Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hey, before we hop into this week's episode, I wanted to give a trigger warning and remind you to just check the show notes because we may be discussing sensitive topics.
If this episode's too heavy for you, we'll catch you next time. But if it's okay and you want to tune in, I look forward to sharing the space with you.
I just need space to grow I'm just trying to make it right these people won't let me go I'm just trying to live my life I just need space to grow I'm just trying to make it right these people won't let me go Let me grow, Let me go, let me grow Let me go they should know they should know they should know they should know I'm just trying to live my life I just need space to grow I'm just trying to make it.
Welcome to the tea with three. I'm your host. Free. Thanks for listening. The T3 podcast is focused on deep, honest and vulnerable conversations. Each week I sit down with a different guest in order to have those conversations. Every week, I'll start my guest bio and in turn to how we know each other. And then we're going to a deep dive conversation about whatever topic they brought to me that week. This week, I am joined by my guest, Jade.
Jade, who uses she her pronouns, is an openly trans woman creating content with a bold voice, constantly full of laughter and so many unfiltered stories. Known for her unserious take on life and her raw, unapologetic style, Jade is a trans lifestyle content creator shaking things up in Texas one hilarious post at a time. Through her series, not so Jaded, Jade shares the ups and downs and everything in between of living authentically in today's society. From navigating life as an openly trans woman in a challenging environment to serving style, wit, and wisdom in every pose. Hello, Jade.
[00:02:08] Speaker B: Hello. Oh, my God, we're finally here. I'm so excited. We've done it. We've made it happen. We're here. Let's spill some tea or throw some tea, some hot tea, any.
[00:02:19] Speaker A: Anything you want. I told you we were texting last night. Since we've met, you were like a dream guest. A dream guest.
[00:02:28] Speaker B: Oh, my God. That is. You are way too kind, first of all. Second, like, literally the instant we met, I was like, this bitch.
I need to be friends with her immediately.
[00:02:41] Speaker A: Chaos recognizes chaos, and I feel.
[00:02:44] Speaker B: I feel like the energies are matching. We're here. I'm so excited. This is my first guest appearance on.
[00:02:50] Speaker A: A podcast which Is so bonkers to me, because let me give the people some background. So we met at Shelby's birthday, which is why that it was like, six months ago, almost a year ago. And I'm like, I feel like I've been forever.
[00:03:03] Speaker B: Like, I know.
[00:03:04] Speaker A: And the minute I met you, I was like, oh, the main character energy. Like, I need people to be aware. Like, it was the immediate draw. The immediate draw when I met you. And I was like, we are going to be friends forever. Like, I just need her.
[00:03:19] Speaker B: Literally.
[00:03:19] Speaker A: And I already knew I was planning on moving. I was like, I don't care. Like, I was doing that instantly.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: We were like, instagrams. What's this? Exchange, mind you. Okay, let's just set the tone. Let's set the picture of how I walk in. I walk in with my good American cargoes.
[00:03:36] Speaker A: Sure did.
[00:03:37] Speaker B: Crop top.
[00:03:37] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:03:38] Speaker B: 30 inches down below my waist in the middle of summer.
[00:03:45] Speaker A: July. Shelby's birthday is July. Like, first week of July.
[00:03:48] Speaker B: Literally just serving bust down under a Yankees hat, which iconic because I had to wear it today.
[00:03:55] Speaker A: It's now your signature look.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: And my metallic Miss Dior mini bag. I'm a fashion girly. I'm a luxury girly. Let's just put that out there.
[00:04:04] Speaker A: I. I need everyone to know, like, you. I. You have been cracking me up lately, because all the things you've been buying, like, I'm trying to stop purchasing things, and then I see a coat, then I see a bag.
[00:04:14] Speaker B: See, I'm like, shoes, whatever, jewelry, this, that they just, you know, I. We're going through it right now. I'm in my little sad girl but still a baddie era. So, like, retail therapy it up with also actual therapy, because we don't just meant.
[00:04:31] Speaker A: I just got a new therapist last week, and I've been with my therapist for four years. My therapist Brittany, pour one out, because that was my ride or die. And I was, like, literally scared to start a new therapist. Met Imani, who's my new therapist, and she was like. At the end of the session, she was like, we covered a lot in these 55 minutes.
[00:04:53] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:04:54] Speaker A: And I was like, girl, I'm just here for maintenance. Like, I'm trying to get you caught up. So when we just check in every two weeks, you could be like, great. Check.
[00:05:01] Speaker B: No, same. I just had to recently find a new therapist because men were mending, and she had a surprise pregnancy. So she's on maternity leave. So I was like, all right, first of all, fuck them kids. Second of all, what about me? Like, what about me. And then she. But she, like, she's already in her maternity, but she texted all her clients and said, hey, I'm actually not going to be returning. So, yeah. So then I had to find a new therapist, literally.
[00:05:30] Speaker A: Love that for her. Love it for her.
[00:05:32] Speaker B: The dream, living the dream. That's what I want to do. You know what I mean? Like, trophy wife. I don't know, Put me on a pedestal.
[00:05:39] Speaker A: Amen.
[00:05:40] Speaker B: I don't want to work. You know what I mean?
[00:05:41] Speaker A: I also shout out to her because as a woman, yes, girl, you sit, you be taken care of.
[00:05:46] Speaker B: Yes, you put your feet up and you breastfeed them kids, because Lord knows I cannot.
[00:05:51] Speaker A: Well, when I. So Britney and I had a break because I moved back home for six months. And that was right around the time she gave birth. And I was like, fine, we'll align this. This time. And then this time when I was like, I'm moving back for good, she was like, I'm not licensed in Connecticut. I was like, but what if I pay for it? And she was like, there's a lot that goes into that. And I was like, I know it's not that easy.
[00:06:10] Speaker B: That's what I just recently found out.
[00:06:12] Speaker A: I'm just, like, selfish. I just need. I need them to figure that out. Like, I. There's a lot of things in this country I'm pissed about, but you're telling me my therapist went to school, can't just practice everywhere. If she was a doctor, she could go anywhere. So that's.
[00:06:26] Speaker B: Yeah. And like, for me, I'm always finding a reason to blame heterosexual men.
[00:06:30] Speaker A: So it's always their fault.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: It's always their fault. No matter what, it's their fault.
[00:06:35] Speaker A: Speaking of, we have to just jump in because your top picks today, plural. And you were like, I don't know which one's like, oh, we're going to talk about both. Because we are. We can. So the first one was swipe right, Stay queer. Dating identity and love in the model world. You put. Or I'm saying and main character energy. Owning your story and living authentically, unapologetically. Because again, gang recognized game.
[00:07:04] Speaker B: And I was.
[00:07:04] Speaker A: I was just talking about both of these with one.
With someone. We'll circle back. And I was like, no, we need to. We need. I need everyone who's, like, in our age group, specifically, like, that 30s to 40s. I'm like, my friend said last night, who. She's a therapist. She was like, I'm sick of hearing people say, like, life is short. She Was life is long. Like, there's so much life. There's so much time. There's. We're not in a rush for anything. And I was saying, yeah. Like, I have friends who are still, like, living very timidly or, like, afraid to live wholeheartedly or authentically or unapologetically. I'm like, you owe no one anything. Just be feral. Like, I'm like, there's no rules anymore. There's no rules anymore.
[00:07:45] Speaker B: I absolutely agree. If Drake can identify as a Jamaican man, then identify as a Jamaican man in one lifetime. I think we have more than enough time in our lives to. To absolutely reinvent ourselves and constantly do whatever the we want to do.
[00:08:01] Speaker A: That's how I. I'm saying if. If that dictator is now in office, you can clearly flex your way to the top. Nothing. If a literal criminal can be president.
[00:08:11] Speaker B: There's no rules.
[00:08:12] Speaker A: There's no rules anymore. Like, you can't anything.
[00:08:15] Speaker B: The buyer's in hell, girl.
[00:08:17] Speaker A: Like, let's under hell. Like, the depth of it.
So when you.
[00:08:22] Speaker B: No ceilings.
[00:08:23] Speaker A: No, not a ceiling. Inside.
[00:08:25] Speaker B: Not a ceiling. Insight.
[00:08:26] Speaker A: Call me Blue Ivy, which that girl. We can't. That's a different.
[00:08:32] Speaker B: That's a different way. That's a different podcast.
[00:08:36] Speaker A: Correct. Because the way I stare in that girl my blue.
[00:08:39] Speaker B: The way I was shouting on Christmas, please.
[00:08:43] Speaker A: And back. Back online. Back to focus.
[00:08:46] Speaker B: Yeah, let's go back on top. So.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: So dating. Let's. Let's start with dating, because I feel like that'll go into unapologetic life. But we've been talking a lot about your dating life, which you've been in your sad girl shopping era. I told you as we were starting, like, I made the conscious choice when I moved back. I have the joy of being queer, meaning I date all genders. So I equal opportunity dater. Here I was telling a friend when I first moved back, I was like, oh, I need you to know, like, it's over for, like, CIS hetero men in me. Chopped. Like, if we're not already friends, we're probably not going to become friends. Like, I'm good.
Also not looking to date any of you because I don't trust you specifically after this last election. And I watch how men voted for that dictator.
And also when I moved back, I had proudly. I kept a roster of dudes, specifically white men, because reparations.
[00:09:43] Speaker B: Call me Pocahontas.
[00:09:44] Speaker A: Listen, Lewis and Clark, because I was like, I was. So I chopped all of the men that were on my roster. Like, my friend's like, you just move back and go, yeah, but I know I'm done with all of you, literally. And the way I was telling a friend this morning, I'm like, I just want straight CIS hetero men to crash out. Like, I want them to be uncomfortable. I want that. Unless. Okay, let me, let me frame this back in our age group. Specifically, yes. If you're in the. If you've been married, if you're a parent, if you are like my godparents, age, like in that 60 range and I'm not interested in you, I'm still going to be checking to make sure you're doing your right shit. But also, you're not. You're not my demographic. I'm talking specifically 25. No, 25 to 45. And I say that specifically because my friends are dating men in that age group. And I'm like, you. You are pressed over a man who doesn't know the difference between there, there and there. You're pressed over a man who probably doesn't shower regularly, doesn't clean his belly button, had never heard of scrubbing his legs.
You're. You're pressed over a man who thinks a vegetable is something that could be deep fried, and that's fine. You're pressed over a man who I'm sure hasn't had regular water, just pure water in years. So I'm like, I just need us to like, touch grass, go outside, find a hobby. Because why are we, why are we upset with a man in this economy?
[00:11:14] Speaker B: Amber Rose, back in the last election. Why, why, why are we aspiring to be her? You know what I'm saying?
[00:11:21] Speaker A: Pressed.
[00:11:22] Speaker B: Why are we introducing vegetables and water to men?
[00:11:26] Speaker A: Girl, there was once. There was once a time in my not too distant future, I. Yeah, not too distant past, I was.
[00:11:33] Speaker B: I mean, we'll probably get into it, but. Yeah, it wasn't the hiding. I wore a hat for a reason.
[00:11:39] Speaker A: Not the hiding. Yeah, No, I just feel like everyone needs to. Specifically women who date men.
I.
[00:11:47] Speaker B: Well, not you.
[00:11:48] Speaker A: Not me.
[00:11:49] Speaker B: You see the privilege that you have to date all genders again, Literally. I wish, because, like, I have contemplated it, but I'm just like, I just. I'm strictly dickly. I just, I can't. And to pray for you. I need all the pray. Bless my heart, because, like, seriously, it's. It's hell. It's the pits out here. And it's just been. And you know, I wasn't dating for a long time. I was solely focused on myself. And then once I, like, had moved to Austin and Like, I was on my little transformation journey. I lost all this weight. I, like, was fully transitioning. And I was like, okay, let's start dating again. And that was actually right before I moved to Austin. I was like, oh, let me start dating, get met someone, move to Austin.
Something traumatic happened within that relationship. And then like, yeah, then we just. We'll get into it. But yeah, let's talk about dating.
[00:12:48] Speaker A: So I am currently sort of. See, I don't want to say there is a. I'm in a situation right now with someone and it's been a delight. It has been. We have a basis of friendship, clear communication. Just all the things are. We're firing on cylinders, right? And we're just taking it really slow, which is fine for me.
But I was talking to this person about how, like, they asked me, like, why am I specifically not dating men? And I was like, I just don't. The audacity of men, specifically, I hate to say it. Like, white men dating black women and not even dating the white men who've been trying to hook up with me off the charts. Like, one of them recently was like, I feel like since you moved back, you don't have time for me. And I sent him this long. Like, he crashed out and sent me a long, rude ass text message. I didn't respond for a couple days because you're not worth my energy. And I just leaving you on red causes you to crash out more. And I'm just like, please just remove yourself. Like, I am really big about. Like, please be dismissed. He circled back around Christmas being like, hey, like, I just wanted to say sorry, wish you merry Christmas. He's like, do you never intend on speaking to me again? I was like, well, the way you hit my phone a couple weeks ago. No, like, I'm good. Send a really long apology. And I was like, that's great. Good for you. I don't really care. I don't need it. I was like, also, just so you know, you will no longer have access to me, my mind, my body. This is. This is a boundary I'm setting. And he sent this whole long thing back about, like, you know, let's not lose what we've had all these years. Like, lose what? Cause I'm good. We've never dated. You have literally been a man I just hook up with. Like, I need you to remember your lane.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: Like, let's remember our policeman and this roster.
[00:14:31] Speaker A: Yeah. And. And you are barely, barely top three.
[00:14:36] Speaker B: You're not even fifth man.
[00:14:38] Speaker A: You. Hello. And so that, like, his response was really wild. I had another dude that was on my roster who not proud, I will own this. He has a partner, but he's been like, trying to get with me. And I was like, I'm not anyone's like, constellation, like, consolation prize number one. Number two, I don't believe in this energy. Like, you do what you need to do, but go figure it out without me. And so I was like, you know what? Actually, we don't even need to be friends. Like, I'm good. And that too was like. He was like, oh, I don't know. I'm supposed to, like, figure it out. Like, be like, how are you not supposed to be. How are we going to not be friends? I go easy. I'm not going to respond to your text. I'm going to block you right now.
[00:15:17] Speaker B: Like, access is cut.
[00:15:19] Speaker A: I was like, I'm good. And I'm like, you will never. You don't have to guess. I'm telling you, I'm cutting you off. You will be blocked. We might still be Instagram friends, but you will be muted and restricted and have a great life. Like, it's just. I just wholeheartedly believe in, like, we just deserve so much more. And specifically, like, I think about the women in my life and I'm just like, we are so, so powerful and yet we just let these men have the audacity for no reason.
[00:15:48] Speaker B: Literally.
It's. It's quite wild how they behave.
Specifically going back to something you said. When you cut the access to your body off.
[00:16:01] Speaker A: Oof, girl.
[00:16:03] Speaker B: That's when the audacity really comes into play.
[00:16:07] Speaker A: The crash out is real.
[00:16:08] Speaker B: I'm telling you, it's very real. But for me as an openly trans woman, like, it's.
I. Dating is like a minefield for me because it's like, I don't. I'm often fetishized. I'm a fantasy. That's what they want. You know what I mean? They want this whole fantasy. They don't ever want to take me serious, so.
But the audacity to lead me down a road thinking that they will give that to me and then get what they want and then it's out.
And it's just, it's so mind boggling to me because it's such a mind for me that I'm just like, God, like, I really just cannot trust these men. Like, it's so hard. And I just want to say this. Like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. I don't know if there's an actual percentage. But in my experience, like 90 of men fantasize about being with a trans woman. I'm just gonna say it because there I was talking about this with my friend yesterday, and we were talking about my experience with men and how every single man that I have interacted with, either professionally or like, just in the real world, has made a path at me recently. Like, it's, there's never a situation where we can be platonic or like, it's on the basis of friendship.
I'm gonna preface when I talk about my last relationship. Like, I have nothing but respect for him and I still deeply care about him. And we're on good terms, but there's just some things that I didn't like, he didn't like. You know, we both weren't innocent in the relationship, but this was the first time where I entered a relationship on the basis that we were gonna be friends. Like, we just went into it thinking we're gonna be friends, but the way that, like, I was like, hey, I think we should establish some boundaries because, like, there were some things starting to happen that I wasn't comfor if we were going to be friends, declined those boundaries, didn't think we needed them.
We always played so close to the edge with certain things and we played with fire. And here we are burned. You know what I mean? It's, it's. It was such a mind blowing experience because it was like he stood firm on his foundation of, like, we're just friends. I went into it knowing it even though I had feelings. But then it was like there was like intimacy without intercourse. So it was like there was these things where we played on the line and it was just like. So it was, it confused the shit out of me. And so of course, like, my feelings would run rampant. And it was just like this one really. I think I know the lesson of this relationship now because it was.
I prioritized him. Like, all his problems, all his needs, everything that he was going through, I made my own. And it just kind of like, was the first time that I gotten that deep into something and. But then I like, think back to it. But that's literally how all my relationships have been. They've led me down this path where, like, oh, we're friends. But then we like, kind of start crossing boundaries, blur the lines a little bit, and then we take it to the next step. Him and I never took it to the next step. Like, we never said, oh, like, let's give this a try. But like, most of the Time in the past, we did give it a try and then it just ended. Because then they fall into the society like what a man, what a heterosexual man should be. And I'm like, what y'all don't understand is that like, and I get, it's confusing because even I get confused with it because I'm like, am I, am I straight? You know what I mean? Like, because it's like I, I, I see myself as a woman, I'm a trans woman and I'm attracted to men. And like when a man sees me, it's like I'm presenting as a woman. So it's like we are technically, this is technically a straight relationship. A straight relationship. Which is gross.
Not gross. Sorry, Sorry to, sorry to the straights. Yes, sorry to the straights.
[00:20:27] Speaker A: We're in a straight, we're in a hetero appearing relationship.
[00:20:30] Speaker B: We're Ariana Grande and Cynthia. We're in a queer space right now. So we're holding space.
[00:20:34] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:20:35] Speaker B: So. But it's just like I've never had a, like a full blown relationship because these men, like, I've always been a secret. It's like I'm always a secret. I'm always being hidden. I'm always never being flaunted in public. And right when I like came out as trans, I stood firm on like, no, like, I am a prize, I am a trophy, I deserve to be loved out loud.
[00:21:06] Speaker A: Amen.
[00:21:07] Speaker B: And I started enforcing that and I noticed that like right away, immediately they would just get turned off or like turn away. Like, no, I'm not doing that. I'm not giving that to you. And it's like, okay, bye. Like, if you can't give me what I want, I'm not going to give you what you want, which is my body most of the time. So like, please stop wasting my time. And so whenever I took that time off from dating and I started transitioning, I lost a lot of weights. Like approximately like 280 pounds worth of weight. Like, yeah, yeah, it was a lot of weight. And then I got into this weird, like, I don't, like, my dating life kind of picked up and I didn't know if it was because I was like presenting as a woman full time or a combination of like me presenting as a woman full time and also losing all this weight because now, you know, I'm, my body's a little more different.
[00:22:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:22:03] Speaker B: And my body's a little more acceptable to like what society deems is like a attractive. Attractive. You know, I just, Yeah, I didn't have to be built, you know what I mean?
You know, because like, you know, I'm Hispanic and Middle Eastern, so you know, I'm automatically curvy.
[00:22:20] Speaker A: She's that girl.
[00:22:21] Speaker B: I am that girl.
[00:22:22] Speaker A: But anybody is bodying, right?
[00:22:24] Speaker B: Like I didn't get built, but like I have the body that most guys want that is to typically built.
I don't know, maybe we shouldn't say that a little harsh, but you know.
[00:22:35] Speaker A: Listen, we're holding space.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: We're holding space. You know what I mean? But like I, I, I know my body and I know when a guy is just immediately just attracted to my body. Like it's very obvious. And then like, obviously me presenting woman full time, it created this like, it opened a whole new world to dating for me because like, again, it picked up. I was like constantly being asked out. I was constantly being like.
And it was weird because it was like, because I was presenting as a woman, men were starting to be more okay with like taking me out in public, which was like wild to me.
And like, like it trapped me because it's like I'm not used to this level of like dating. So it was like, okay. But then I realized like, this is the bare fucking minimum. That I'm like allowing these guys to like have access to me because they're giving me the bare minimum. But it's like, because I never had it, I didn't realize that that was the bare minimum. So dating is just mind fuck. So yeah, there's a battlefield.
[00:23:37] Speaker A: I also want to go back to two topics or two things you brought up around like fetishization and boundaries.
And I also want to name like as women of color. That's also like a thing you hold too because like I am not trans, but I can, I can relate to the fetishization of like, I have had specifically like men who are not black, who like you were saying, like, are interested in like me and what I look like, but like never wanted to date me. Like, it was just like, I wanna. You sure, like I'll go on dates with you, but like, I won't. We will never have a romantic relationship.
[00:24:12] Speaker B: You're not wife material.
[00:24:14] Speaker A: Which we're holding a. We're holding space. We gotta find the niceness because that's. No, it's my sh. I could be mean. Which I'm like, okay, then go date that mean ass girl that you want to date. Like I. And like you're saying like, I'm the prize. I know what I have to offer and I think it's that too? Like, once you know who you are, no one can tell you shit about yourself and being able to, like, no, like, I'm good. Like, I will walk away. You will never hear from me again. And people get, like, pressed over that. And then like, you're saying with boundaries. The minute you're like, no, like, I'm good. And they're like, well, then you think, dah, dah. I'm like, no, you think that. I think that, but I don't have to hold space for this. I don't have to be subjected to your disrespect.
[00:24:51] Speaker B: No, like, what you're really upset is, is that I am identifying, holding strong to my worth that you clearly don't see and don't want to respect. That's why you're really mad.
[00:25:07] Speaker A: I just, again, this is why I think men should be crashing out. Like, I think we just went, like.
[00:25:12] Speaker B: You know what I mean?
[00:25:13] Speaker A: It's like the strong women in my life, like, the strong women who I know, like, personally and, like, just in passing and just like, being a person on the Internet and, like, seeing, like, different stories and like, watching different things online of, like, the amount of destruction a woman will do to herself because of what societal pressure has done tests. Like, my therapist and I talked about this the other day of like, she was like, well, what's like, your background? She's like, do we need to unpack your eating disorder? I was like, no, no. Like, we've. I've done that work with Britney. I go, we've gotten to the root of it. And this is like, I grew up in a very, like, body positive family, super supportive. Like, no one has ever said anything bad about my body. And yet still, that is like, the one thing that I was like, I can control this because society, like you were saying, like, they, for as long as I've been on this earth, have always been like, thin, as in. Or then it was like the Kardashian body, which is really just a black woman's body. But we're going to circle back to that, a different moment.
And just like, all these things of like, of, like, being told my whole life, like, societally, my whole life, like, you're never going to be good enough. Take the bare minimum. And me turning that on my head, specifically, since I've been in my 30s, I'm just like, no. Like, my boundaries were strong before. Now it is. They're even stronger. And I'm also like, you can try me, but I wouldn't. Yeah, you can. I'M going to it. I will warn you not to do it. An alligator will warn you once. And that's kind of my vibe of, like, you've been told. So if you want. What if you would like to try once more, one of us may not make it out of this smiling. So.
[00:26:52] Speaker B: Right. No, I think it's, like, specifically speaking to the situation I'm in right now. I think I'm just, like, reclaiming my power and reclaiming my, you know, my. My sense of worth. Because, like, again, this last relationship, I prioritized the hell out of this person and put all of their needs and problems before mine that I really did lose sight of myself. And it was. When you. When you come out of it, it's such a jarring feeling and then, like, having to pick yourself back up. And, like, that's where I feel like I'm in right now. Like, I know I'm joking. Like, I'm in my sad girl era, but I'm in my reclaiming era. Like, I.
Reclaiming my power, reclaiming my worth. I never lost sight of my worth. I just wasn't enforcing my worth. And I felt like that was ultimately what led to. It played a part in the downfall of the relationship as a whole, because it was like.
I think one of the things that he said to me was, like. Which kind of made me snap in. One of our arguments was like, I wish you would see yourself the way that I see you. And I was like. I, like, kind of, like, went silent because I was just like.
But then you wouldn't be treating me this way if you actually saw me that way. And not only that, you're right. I do see myself in a higher place than what I'm where I'm at right now. So, like, what the fuck am I doing? And I think once I got to that place, I think it was just kind of a land, like a landslide or a downhill spiral to, like, what where we're at now, which is like, we're taking distance.
You know, it's just like, December was a rough month, let me tell you. December, the holidays, things were rough. And it was just like, you know, I've been taking January to kind of, like, pick myself back up, but, like, I have not only discovered boundaries that I let slide in this last relationship, I discovered boundaries that I actually need to establish going forward.
And I think that's where I'm at right now that keeps me with my head high is that, like, I am looking at this for all the lessons that it was and not for what exactly. How it made me feel. So if I focus on how it made me feel, which, there's nothing wrong with that, but if I focus on how it actually made me feel, your girl will be laid up just, like, watching qvc, crying, qvc, ordering, I don't know, Lisa, Rena cardigans with my mom over the phone because we're obsessed. You know what I mean? So it's just like, I'm trying to learn and take away from this relationship as much as I can going forward because I am in a new area of dating in my life.
It's weird. Want it. Like, being felt desired, but also two, having to differentiate being desired and willing to be loved in that relationship or desired and being fetishized in that relationship, which not a lot of straight heterosexual people have to deal with.
And so that's what I'm saying. Like, as a trans woman, it's like, even though I'm in a straight relationship, it's like, I'm not really in a straight relationship. It's. There's a lot of navigating that goes into it.
[00:30:16] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. And like. Like, for me, I know, like, everybody I've ever dated I've met in real life. So I'm also wondering, like, what's that dating been like for you? Like, is it people you're meeting in person? Is it people you're meeting online? Like, what's that navigation look like for you, too?
[00:30:32] Speaker B: The last two relationships, we met in person. So the one, the guy that I was dating prior to moving to Austin, we met at south by, and he pursued me, which I was. I had never been pursued, like, in person like that. So that was, like, the first thing. And then this last one, I actually went on a hinge date.
No, no. Am I mixing up scenarios?
I think I'm mixing up scenarios.
No, no. I went to an event for my friend who was supposed to come in and take pictures of, like, they. I think it was at the skate skating event. There was, like, all these skateboards. I don't know why I was like, oh, let me just go. Because, like, I'm not a skater. Like, you know what I mean? I think I was, like, living for the Avril Lavigne fantasy.
And I went to go meet this guy who I kind of was interested in. But as soon as we met, I was like, oh, there's kind of, like, no chemistry here. But his friend knew the last guy that I like, was kind of, like, in this weird situation with. And he, like, actively pursued me. And technically, Pulled me away from this guy in the situation. And so. And we spent all night talking, getting to know each other. And, like, it was this weird, like, instant. Like, I felt safe and I felt comfortable with him, which I hadn't felt in a very long time with someone. So it was like. And it was, like, instant, which is, like, kind of intoxicating because, like, it's just like. And you want. You crave more of that, which was, like, I think, also a big downfall of us because, like, then we kind of didn't talk because I was kind of also seeing someone else who also lived in my last complex, which.
[00:32:24] Speaker A: Don't ever do guys, because no, never date your neighbors. It's a thing.
[00:32:27] Speaker B: I never.
And so once I ended things with him, I kind of, like, this guy and me kind of, like, got back into contact. And when I tell you, when we started texting, it went from like.
Like, talking here and there to, like, we were now a part of each other's daily routines.
[00:32:54] Speaker A: That'll happen to you.
[00:32:56] Speaker B: And it was. It was crazy. And then it was like, there's other things that, like, happened that led up to where we were at. It's just like, I. I still want to be respectful to him just because, again, like, we. We're on good terms.
[00:33:10] Speaker A: You're in a good place.
[00:33:11] Speaker B: Yes, we're in a good place. I don't. I don't want to go backwards, but, like, there was just things that. Whenever we got towards the end of, like. Or, like, the breaking point, that I looked back and I was like, this is why this escalated. This is why this escalated.
And so.
And I. I'm pretty sure he disagrees, but it's like, it. You know, it's. It's my experience. Like, your experience is obviously different. My experience is different. So it is what it is. But it. It was just like. I think I've been spending a lot of time looking back on it to, like, kind of realize. And I think most of it, I'm gonna. I'm not gonna lie, was looking back on to see what went wrong and, like, where I could have fixed things. But that. That's. That's difficult. And it. I just kind of was like, okay, we spent the time looking back. What did we learn from this?
[00:34:01] Speaker A: Right?
[00:34:01] Speaker B: And that's how I'm moving forward. I'm like, okay, I've learned this. This is how I'm going to be going forward. And so it's.
I. I feel more me right now than where I was, like, two weeks ago. So it's like, it's crazy.
[00:34:16] Speaker A: And I think that's a perfect, like, segue into, like, the living authentically and feeling like yourself. Like, I think having now talked about dating and, you know, for me, I've been single most of my life. Like, I didn't date really through high school, college. You know, it wasn't. I didn't start really dating until I was in my 20s and moved to Austin. Right. And I have had friends my whole life who have been like, I wish I could be more like you, because if I'm not in relationship, I don't know who I am. But I'm like, isn't that terrifying to you? Like, to have no sense of self, to, like, have no hobbies, no interests, like, things you can do. Like, I did so much work in my 20s, and then when I turned 30, of, like, around my identity of who I am as a person. And so now, like, when I date, I'm like, again, like, I know who I am. I know what I offer. I know what I want. And then it's also, like, I have done the deep work of, like, being able to show up. Like, you're saying, like, as a partner who doesn't prioritize you over me, like, I am able to center myself, which means I can then give space to you. But it's also, like, I have to worry about myself because we have to, like, we have to look out for ourselves because not everyone's going to do that.
So I'm just wondering what that has been like, too, like, on your journey of, like, being your authentic self. Because, like, you're saying you lost a bunch of weight, which we can also talk about, because I've been going through that as well. Like, losing a bunch of weight, transitioning, being this person now and seeing too, like, as you. As you transform in all aspects of a person as being a person, how people then treat you differently as well.
[00:35:55] Speaker B: It's. Man, it's.
It's. It's. It's kind of crazy because, like, you. You laying out that timeline, like, there's been so many transformative aspects of my life all at once. So it was like the weight loss, the transitioning, moving to Austin, you know, finally just, like, dating, like, as me. And when it comes to dating, I've always thought, like, I have to have a solid.
The way that I looked at dating was I have to be solid. Like, my foundation has to be solid in who I am, and my happiness has to stem from me. Before I would allow myself to get into a relationship, because how am I supposed to rely on someone else to bring me happiness when I can't even bring happiness to myself?
And that's how I've always looked at it.
But I definitely was one of those people who I was in this kind of, like, really unhealthy relationship from when I was 19 till I was 27. I didn't come out till I was trans, until I was, like, 28, 29.
And I was able to come to that conclusion because I got out of this relationship and I realized, who the fuck am I? Like, all I've known is this relationship. And I first was obviously going through the. I was mad. I felt like I wasted my 20s on this person. But then I was actually really thankful in the end because, like, he.
He was older, but he also could tell some things, like, weren't connecting in my life because I was like. I hated when people would ask me, like, where do you see yourself in five years? And it's like, I can't really answer that question because when I look in the mirror, I don't know who I'm looking at.
[00:37:42] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:43] Speaker B: So how am I supposed to envision that person five years from now? Because I don't know who that is. That's not who I see when I close my eyes and picture myself.
And, like, I would tell him these things, and then that's when he, like, opened the book. Like, have you ever gone to, like, gender identity therapy? And, like, we had those conversations, and I would always be like, no, no. Like, I. No, I know who I am. But it, like, the thing about my life, my parents and my upbringing, they have always allowed me to express myself fully and authentically. My dad bought me my first Louis Vuitton handbag. He bought me my first pair of red bottoms. Like an icon. Yes, we love him. We love my dad in this household. We'll always love him. And my mom, too. Like, my mom should be like, oh, I don't want this handbag here. I don't want this jewelry here. Here's some hoops. Like, you know what I mean? So I've always expressed myself fully and authentically, but it was now time to put the work to physically match who I was expressing myself with was. And I think that's what helped me in my journey, because my voice and who I express myself was fully me.
And I saw this person or I heard this person, and it was like, okay, like, now let me do the work to, like, finally match myself, like, 100% on the outside, match the inside. And so once I, like, got over what I was going through with that relationship, and I took that time.
That's when I really started living authentically and found my worth, found who I was. And when I tell you when those things clicked and I became so unstoppable, it was the. It was like night and day. Like, as soon as I made that connection and I woke up one day, looked in the mirror, and I finally saw my reflection, I.
I said, we're full speed ahead. No one's stopping me. No one's nothing. And it's been a whirlwind because I was, like, 29 and I'm. I'm about to be 33 next month. So it's like, it's been a short time, but it's been a very monumental and impactful short time that I've done it. So that's why I say it's never too late.
You can go from one day to the next and, like, make some major changes, but it's you who has to have the time, discipline, and the consistency to show up for yourself and do this for you, because no one else is going to do it for you. And so going back to, like, the relationship and your authenticity. So I think I'm the opposite. I think I tend to lose myself in relationships. And then when I come out of it, I'm like, this isn't me. So why. Why are we doing this? Like, why did I do this? And so I think I. I still have a lot of work. I'm not perfect. I'm not, you know, I'm human. And coming out of this last relationship, I'm like, there's a lot of things that I need to work on still as a person, especially when I go into relationships, because there's no reason why I should be losing sight of myself for someone to make someone happy.
[00:41:04] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, yeah, there's so much there.
The two things in a good way. No shade. I didn't come out till I was 26 to my family.
I think I was talking to someone about this the day I was like, I think I always knew I was queer. Like, I've always found people, like, everybody attractive. My best friend in high school was gay. Like, he. And he's two years older than me. So, like, I had, like, I was always with gay men, specifically. And then going to gay bars and, like, going to New York for pride. Like. And I grew up in a family who was very accepting of, like, try anything once, hang out with different people. No one's perfect. Live life. So when I Came out and I told my family, like, we love you. We want you to find someone who loves you. I was like, great phase. Are set to fun. I'm going feral. A 26 year old me, I moved to Austin.
Feral.
[00:41:52] Speaker B: She, the queer city capital.
[00:41:54] Speaker A: She lived, let me tell you.
And so between that and like, truly hunkering down and doing therapy the last couple of like 4ish years of really wanting to do the work because, like, I never saw myself until like maybe like the last year or two. Like, I always saw myself being a mom. I never saw myself getting married. Like, I was never the person, like, planning a wedding. Like, like little, like I think of like all my friends. Like, well, I know when I get married, I want. And I was always like, I know when I'm a mom. Like, I was just like, not a thing I thought. And like, we've unpacked it in therapy of like, I have abandonment issues. And so of course I'm like, avoidant to relationships because I was like, it's just me and we'll figure it out.
But like the last couple of years of like opening that up and unpacking that and working through that, so I've been. Whereas like you say you lose yourself in relationships, I wouldn't even like, open myself up. Like, I was like the queen of situationships. I was like, we can date for like three months, us, like, and that's it. You gave everything a timeline Try, like, that's my window. It's been so nice. You lovely me, great. We're just gonna skedaddle.
[00:43:03] Speaker B: We're gonna do what we do and then, you know, when we hit that, when this ride comes to an end, it comes to an end.
[00:43:09] Speaker A: Val, listen, we'll validate parking, dry cleanings at the door. Thank you so much.
And so, like now, like, in this situation that I'm in of, like, very much tiptoeing, taking time, like, it feels different. I'm just nervous they're gonna listen to this podcast and I'm like sweating about it because vulnerability, Jeff.
[00:43:29] Speaker B: I'm like, oh my God, yes. Same thing.
[00:43:33] Speaker A: Yeah, well, I mean, you know, the vulnerability is where the magic happens, right?
And so, like, taking it really slow and. And like, I told them how I felt first, which is something I've never done before. Like, I would rather take that shit to my grave than ever be like, I'm interested in you. Absolutely not.
But now I think it's just because I have done the work of, again, who I am, what I offer, what I'm looking For this is, like, the first time in my life that I'm like, I get it. Like, I get it. And I think it's because we, like, started office friends. And I do not want them to be scared. I'm like, I'm not, like, thinking we're gonna get married. That's insane. But I'm just saying, like, what this has already done for me as a person who's, like, now truly thinking about it of, like, for the last year, I've been like, okay, I want to find a partner. I want to get married. And, like, looking at other friends who have gotten married too. And my godparents have been together. They just had their 37th wedding anniversary. They've been together for, like, 40 something years. And so now that I live with them, like, getting their advice about, like, marriage and relationships and, like, it is a choice. Like, being with someone is a literal choice. And watching them, like, they are still friends, like, their relationship is based in friendship and respect. And so, like, that's like, a thing I've always thought about. Like, I want it to be with someone who I'm friends with, who respects me, who, like, cheers me on, who, like, is in my corner. And so I just want that for so many people like you. I have seen friends who get married and I'm like, do you even like your partner? Like, are y'all even friends? Like, literally you want to hang out with them. Like, do you like? And it's like, I think it's just really helpful.
[00:45:16] Speaker B: Mutuals. No, I'm just kidding.
[00:45:17] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm like, what is. What is going on here? And I will tell my friends always of, like, I, if you love your partner, I love that for you. And that's no shade. That's literally me being serious. I go, but also, like, if you need a friend, who's going to be the bad guy, my loyalty is to you. You are my friend. And so I will tell you, like, if you decide to, like, not be with this person anymore and, like, walk away, you will be fine. And so I think, like, as like, this, the. The always single friend in me and my friends, like, how are you just, like, moving through life? Because I don't think there is any rush to get to the things that are, like, that are for you. I don't think we have to make these rash decisions or these decisions because from a place of scarcity, I just truly don't believe that. And, like, maybe that comes from my spirituality. Maybe that comes from, like, my queerness. Maybe that comes from you Know, I'm just trying to be perspective, but I just do not believe we are meant to be in a relationship with someone who is not respectful of us, who does not support us, who does not cheer us on. And I think about an ex of mine who, like, was so mean to me. Like, he just was, like, so belittling. And it was a number of reasons, but one of it was because, like, I was. He was born and raised in Austin, and then I moved there and, like, to toot my own horn, like, your girl is busting her ass, like, in community spaces and, like, speaking on panels and, you know, these things. He's like, I just, like, don't understand, like, why it's you and not me. And I'm like, because you aren't doing anything, and that's not.
[00:46:44] Speaker B: You're not showing up and hustling for yourself.
[00:46:46] Speaker A: Right? Like, and it was like that. Like, that relationship to me was like, oh, this is my. This is like, my lesson of, like, you need to be with someone who, like, who actually likes you, who does not get jealous of that, who. And when they are, will name that. Of, like, I'm having a tough time because X, Y, Z thing that is not a reflection of you. That is me and my shit. Right. And so I think about, like, you were just saying of, like, the authenticity of, like, working through your things and, like, calling yourself out and setting that space and doing the work and. And, like, you're saying, trying not to lose yourself in a relationship, but I'm, like, on the other side of, like, you if you're in a relationship. I also, like, want to tell you, like, you have every right to be like, this just isn't working. And I think so many people are afraid to do that, especially because dating nowadays is the pits of hell, literally. But I'm like, I would rather be alone and happy than with someone and miserable. Like, what is that? What does that do for your life?
[00:47:40] Speaker B: Yeah, man, There's a lot to unpack there. But I Definitely Calling yourself out. I'm going to call myself out for a moment because it was. I think one of the other harsher things that I realized was when I. So, all right, let's go back on my timeline. When I first moved to Austin, I was seeing someone.
Things ended because he sexually assaulted me in my own place.
And then I never took the time to heal from that.
And I.
Because I never thought that that would happen to me. So it was.
It was one of the most traumatic things that has ever happened to me.
[00:48:24] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:48:24] Speaker B: And I reconnected with the person that I was in a relationship with from 19 to 27.
Literally the weekend after that had happened. And it was just out of the blue that we ran into each other at Zilker. And, like, obviously, me being, like, spiritual and astrological, I'm like, oh, this was meant to happen or whatever, right? I kind of blew him off in Zilker. Like, he. I think he could tell I was going through something, and he was like, asking me, like, oh, let's have dinner tonight or whatever. Like, I can tell you're going through something. I was like, no, no, fine. Like, actually have dinner plans with some friends. That was a lie.
And I remember I went home, I fell asleep on my couch, and I was like, I'm just like. I woke up, I was like, I'm just gonna go get pizza from Whole Foods, because I didn't really take anything out to cook.
I, like, go to Whole Foods, and I'm, like, getting my pizza, and, like, someone comes right next to me, and it's him.
[00:49:25] Speaker A: Stop.
[00:49:25] Speaker B: And I'm just like, huh? Hi. And he's just like, so those dinner plans. I was just like.
I was like. I was like, yeah, I. I just. I wanted to be alone. And he was like, okay. And he was just like, I like pizza too. And I was like, oh, do you want to come over? And maybe we could just eat pizza and stuff like that. And he was the last person that I felt very safe and at home with. And so, like, that. Obviously, that never goes away once you feel that with someone.
Until it does. Because I'm getting. I'm getting to that part. Mm.
So I look back on that timeline, and I realized I. Not only did I not heal from what had. I had just went to, I then relied on someone else to pull me out of that space that I was in. And we spent so much time. I spent so much time with him, and I lost myself in thinking we would reconnect and we would get back into where we were.
But then I realized we just kind of aren't compatible anymore. Like, that I'm a different person, he's a different person. We just weren't compatible.
But again, I did not make that call to, like, end things. Like, I just consistently tried to work things out and then fast forward to whenever I was dealing with this last relationship, and I was kind of still, like, trying to work things out with him, and he just.
He has so much, like, misogynistic, internalized misogyny and homophobia, transphobia, queerphobia. Like, he has so much of that built up into him, which was essentially what was the downfall of the relationship to begin with, because he felt he had to do what society wanted. Like, he had to be this CIS heterosexual, masculine man who had the. The perfect wife, the perfect, you know, everything.
And so that's what led to the downfall of us. And so, like, I think because he suppressed so much of who he actually is, like, he just has a lot of hatred. And it's kind of gotten to a point where it's built up and I.
It's not my place to. It's none of us queer folk, people in the community, the Alphabet mafia. It's not our job to call someone out who's in that space.
That is for them to understand, to unpack and work through.
I knew that if he could get over that, we could have a successful relationship.
[00:52:05] Speaker A: Sure.
[00:52:06] Speaker B: And I just. One day I called it out. I laid everything out on the table, and he got physical with me.
And again, another trauma, another very huge trauma. Like, I had never been through any of this stuff. Like, I had never.
And it just wasn't like he repeatedly got physical with me. It was. He got physical that one time, immediately in his face. I could see he did wrong. I was shocked. And he just left. We.
And, like, I never went back to him. I never. We have spoken since, and there has been apologies made, but I'm just at a point where it's like, I. Yeah, I can't fall back into the cycle that we have because, like, not only was I seeing patterns of cycles with him, again, that's what our last relationship was, was full of cycles and why we stayed for so long, but then I already had this guy kind of like, in my back pocket. And so, again, I didn't take the time to get over that. And I just jumped into the him because it was like, I felt safe and I felt comfortable with him. And I'm already at a point where I have fully lost sight of who I was because of all the stuff that I was going through. And I was using these men as an outlet to run away from this stuff.
And now sitting here, I think that is my biggest takeaway from the downfall of this last relationship is that, like, I was running away from everything that I didn't want to face. And I was hiding and trying to heal within these relationships.
But that's not healthy because now I'm sitting. Now I was sitting on New Year's Eve alone and upset because I didn't know who I was. I lost sight of who I was, and I had no concept of who I was anymore. And I kind of looked back on everything that I had done in my life, these transitions, these very monumental things in my life, and I'm like, I literally just threw all of that away because I wasn't holding myself to my worth.
And now that's why I'm in like, oh, yeah, I'm in a reclaiming time. I'm back in my era of like, you know, trying to build myself back up, picking up the pieces. And you know what's so crazy is that, like, me losing sight of who I was also prevented me from showing up authentically and not just like these relationships with these men, but, like, even in friendships. I feel like I kind of did a disservice to some of my friendships where I wasn't communicating with my friends or if I was, I was being really superficial. I was being very surface level and it's off putting. And you know, I call myself out on that because I was like, you know, it. I just didn't, I wasn't proud of who I was because not only did I not know who I was, I just didn't know what I stood for anymore. And like, it just was like, I was a mess. I was a hot mess all of December. And you know what, that's why I said in my last post, in my December post, I was like, you know, December was full of lessons. Some were needed, some hurt, and I still stand by that. Like, I definitely learned a lot of lessons in December, but now I think I'm reclaiming my time because, like, I always have to consistently show up as me and be who I am at my core in order to have the life that I want to live.
And I think not many people do that on a day to day basis because it's like, how, how are you trying to be your protagonist and antagonist in your own life? Like, come on now. Like, this is your life. Take control. You call the shots. But don't, don't, don't make the bad decisions because then it just ruins your life.
[00:56:20] Speaker A: And I want to commend you too, of like, I always like, obviously we're in the new Year. Everyone's like, new Year, new me. And I'm like, but what are the things you need to work on? So I commend you to being like, well, in December, like, all this happened and being like, what? The things I need to focus on and change are things that I can do and not avoid. Like, I think it is so easy that People, well, I'm sorry. People find the easy way out of just like, this is what I should be working on, but that's going to be too tough, so I'm going to avoid it. And I'm like, well, if you never address it, you can never fix it. And I think that's a big thing too. Like, living authentically. It is like you're saying calling yourself out and doing the work and leaning on people and telling your friends and finding therapy and doing all these things and taking a break from dating, which I think people are also really afraid to do. I'm like, I. I stopped dating in 2019, 2020.
Even before the pandemic hit, like, January, I was like, I'm just not going to date this year. Like, I was good. And then like, I go on like one date a year every year. Just like, let me just see what it feels like. I'm like, no, I'm not it.
[00:57:22] Speaker B: Dust off the gears a little bit.
[00:57:24] Speaker A: Dip that toe in.
[00:57:26] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:57:27] Speaker A: And I'm just like, no. Like, I'm. I'm very much on. Like, when the time comes, I will know and like, we'll try to date and like, we'll talk to other friends about their dating. And I'm like, this is awful. Like, the apps are terrible. We can just invest that time in ourselves to work on the things we need to do for ourselves. And I think people still have a tough time grasping that. Like, like you were saying, like, you can't base your happiness of someone else. Like, you cannot hide in a relationship. And I tell people, like, I. I did a lot of work around, like, who I am, what I offer, what I want. Which is why I think, like, I prayed about it. Like, I. Whenever it is right, I will know because God, the universe, whoever you believe in will tell me.
And like, sweating, the person I'm currently whatever with just like, popped up. And I'm just like, again, I have no expectations. I'm just kind of enjoying the journey. And I think that's also really helped. So I'm just like, I just want everyone to take this year to just really invest in yourself and find the joy. Especially if who is now president scares you to death, like it does a lot of us.
I've like, I've stopped doom scrolling. I got rid of TikTok after all that bullshit happened. I was like. I was like, are y'all. Do you not remember when he was the one who wanted to get rid of TikTok? And now you're telling me he saved it?
[00:58:54] Speaker B: Listen, I need to find another word for stupid because, like, idiotic. Don't know. Not even that. I just, like, y'all just really lack the comprehension skills to actually have a clue as to what is going on. And it's just mind. It's just mind boggling. But speaking of, like, social media and stuff like that, to go back to one of your points about investing in yourself, I think one thing people do a disservice to themselves is when you talk about investing yourself, you also have to be able to hold yourself accountable. And I think that people fall short a lot of the times, and that is one thing that I have strived to always do, is hold myself accountable, take accountability for my parts and what I did.
[00:59:40] Speaker A: Mm.
[00:59:41] Speaker B: I saw a lot of relationships end in December, not just, like, this one relationship with this guy. And I fully acknowledge and understand, like, my parts and every single one of those downfalls. And I think that is. I was talking about this with my other friend, and she was just like, that's so, like, that's hard for people to do because it's like facing a mirror that you don't want to face. And I was telling my friend this because I told her, like, flat out, like, I didn't talk to you. In the span of, like, we kind of. Kind of. We kind of distance grew, some distance between us. And I realized that, like, with two of my friends, I realized that I was actually avoiding them because they were the mirrors that I did not want to face.
[01:00:34] Speaker A: Ooh, girl.
[01:00:37] Speaker B: Because I knew deep down I knew what was wrong and how I was not showing up for myself and not being authentic in some of these relationships.
And I told my friends, like, I re. I went and sat down individually with them, and I was like, listen, like, I'm sorry. I. Like, I know it may seem that, like, I kind of threw myself into this relationship and abandoned y'all, but to be 100% honest with you, you guys, I was not happy with who I was in this time period. And I could not face y'all because I am not the friend that we have grown this relationship with.
And so I always compare it to, like, when. I don't know if you've seen Second City, the first movie, I feel like everyone's watched it. When Samantha got her gut, and they were like, there they were. The three mirrors Samantha couldn't hide from. That was me. I was facing all of my friends at the end of this. Like, listen, I did. I was ashamed. I didn't want to see y'all, but I Think that's one of the biggest disservice anyone could do is not hold themselves accountable. Like, and it's okay. Like, we can be ashamed from our actions. We can shame. I feel like while yes has a negative comment connotation, I feel like sometimes you have to embrace that shame to get to where you need to be authentically.
And when we say this is work, it is work to be the main character.
[01:02:07] Speaker A: Oh, we don't have enough time today. But yes, yes. And I think people, you just wake up and, like, it just happens one day. I was like. I was one of the. Everyone just. I think because I'm so outgoing and so friendly and so, like, positive. I was like, you're so confident. I was like, you guys, confidence isn't, like, a thing you get. It is its own journey. Like, there are days when you're like, girl, I just don't got it today. Like, I just can't. Like, that's, like, I call them, like, the days. I'm just, like, gonna rot on the couch. Like, I just don't have the time. But I think any, like, anything else. Confidence is a muscle. You have to, like, work on and work out. And being the main character, it ain't always cracked up to me. I think people just think, like, everyone loves you. And I'm like, no, no, no. Everyone. Some of the other day is like, everyone loves you. I was like, girl, the list of people I can give you who hate me and I just don't care. I go, but, oh, yeah, no, no, there are people. And I. And I think the joy of, like, knowing you're not for everybody. If I. If everyone could learn that. I'm like, it is like, the analogy I always make is like, everyone likes dessert, but not everyone likes chocolate cake.
[01:03:08] Speaker B: Yes.
[01:03:09] Speaker A: Like, that is okay. That is okay. Like, you don't not. I love when I. When I learn people don't like me. Like, that is energy I don't have to waste. I'm still going to be polite, but I don't have to go out of my way. And I'm also like, if you. You will never have to guess how I feel about you in the most polite way possible. I'm like, we're just not gonna be friends, and that's okay, and we will move forward.
[01:03:31] Speaker B: The most, most respectful thing I can do for you, especially coming from, like, where I've come from, like, me silently pulling away and giving distance to this relationship, is the most respectful thing that I can do. Because, just like, I posted on my story Today I am holy enough to pray for you, but I am holy good enough to swing on you.
[01:03:52] Speaker A: And I saw. I liked it. I was like, oh, amen.
[01:03:54] Speaker B: Yes. But I. Yeah, I think it's just. It's really wild because, like, I constantly. Which I haven't done in a while, but I constantly have to remind people, especially on my social media, like, I have to acknowledge my privilege. I have to acknowledge stuff because you'll have to remember that, like, everything, especially for me, everything on my social media is specifically curated. I know what people like. I know what people want to see people. You know, it's not all rainbows and butterflies. Cartier, Hermes, all of that 100% of the time. Well, I do acknowledge that that's what a lot of you guys are here for. That is not me all the time. And I am a real human being. I have real feelings and I go through some very real shit. And being an openly trans woman in Texas is not also easy. So just know that, yes, while you see me hopping around Austin with my pink Birkin, it's not all rainbows and butterflies. It's, you know, I.
Confidence for me. And I think anyone in my community or anyone in our community can relate.
It takes.
It takes a strong person to be confident openly and publicly. But for someone who is out of the norm and what is society has rejected, you are 100% that bitch when you have that confidence. Because people don't realize or people think that I don't see when I'm walking down the street in my sweatpants and crop tops with my Birkin. You don't think I don't see people taking pictures? You don't think I see people staring? You don't think I don't see all of this? I just choose to ignore it.
And that leads me to one of my favorite quotes. If we're ready for that.
[01:05:47] Speaker A: We're not there yet.
[01:05:48] Speaker B: Oh, we're not there yet.
[01:05:49] Speaker A: I thought you said we didn't have enough time. How dare you try to wrap up my show.
The nerve of nerve. I thought, please let her come on your show. And all the time. No, there's a closing process. And how very.
[01:06:04] Speaker B: Okay, okay, perfect. But also too, I might say we're gonna have to do a part two.
[01:06:09] Speaker A: Oh, anytime. You can come back anytime. Please.
[01:06:13] Speaker B: Okay.
[01:06:13] Speaker A: I tell people there's always an open door. Like, you can cut out.
[01:06:17] Speaker B: We can cut out that last me turn.
[01:06:21] Speaker A: That actually might be the clip. Like, that might be the blooper clip for this week. How dare.
[01:06:27] Speaker B: I schedule.
[01:06:28] Speaker A: I Haven't been doing this show for almost five years. The Nerve Lots.
[01:06:33] Speaker B: Level six.
[01:06:34] Speaker A: We just hit five. How dare you?
Now I got to think of a. Wow. Some people. No, I'm leaving it in. I'm leaving it in because it's going to be a great little exit for that. Yeah, well, since Jade has places to be.
[01:06:47] Speaker B: I don't have places to be. You want to. If you want to set up another topic, we can.
[01:06:52] Speaker A: No, Since Jade is so, so busy.
[01:06:54] Speaker B: Listen, this is. This is exactly why, like, I have been very like. You are not the first podcast offer. I just wanted my first experience to be with someone who I know that I can show up and have a real ass conversation with. And there is not a lot of people that I have felt that with or openly with to be able to do that. So that's why I'm like, girl, if you want to keep talking, let's keep talking. Like, I am so down.
[01:07:24] Speaker A: Listen. No, no, no. We will have Jade part 2 through 17 if I have to, because I could talk to you. I could talk to you for days. I just. I have to go record other episodes. Sadly, there's just, you know, for sure. I'm trying. Between you and me, I'm trying to get, like, months in advance. I'm just trying to be that girly.
[01:07:44] Speaker B: Yeah, no, I feel you.
[01:07:46] Speaker A: I'm organized. Ho.
[01:07:47] Speaker B: I feel you. I'm. I'm bringing back not so Jaded this year. So it's. Yeah. Yes. Because whenever. So a little background about not so Jade.
It was a Tick Tock project that I started with Lauren Bostic from Skinny Confidential. It was solely supposed to be on Tick Tock to help grow my platform on Tick Tock. But obviously with Tick Tock showing the ass I have now decided to like. All right, let's bring it. Let's bring it to Instagram. Let's bring it to Reels. Let's bring it to YouTube shorts. Let's. Let's bring it back that people want not so Jaded back. So. Yeah, because that's where. That's where I show up and I let it all. I let it all hang out.
[01:08:27] Speaker A: It's gonna. Jade.
[01:08:29] Speaker B: Yeah. Because what we're not gonna do is we're not gonna, you know, be so jaded about the trans woman experience.
[01:08:35] Speaker A: So I love that.
[01:08:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:08:38] Speaker A: Well, then I will be sure to link everything in the show notes so that the people can find you and that everyone should be following Jade on Instagram and also not. My people listen to my show because everyone's Great. But if I see anybody in your comments acting buck wild, please, people know call the notes my two fists.
[01:08:57] Speaker B: Let me tell you, especially in the.
[01:08:59] Speaker A: Year 2025, we're done. I'm done being nice. I'm done being polite. That is not my vibe anymore. I choose violence.
[01:09:05] Speaker B: I'm very much there with you where I'm choosing violence, which is probably, listen, we'll unpack that. Yeah, we'll unpack that. We'll cut the mics dead ass. And we'll talk about some things.
[01:09:17] Speaker A: We'll talk about how we're choosing violence. And then when you said, holy enough to pray for you, but hard enough to fight you, my two are like, try Jesus, not me. Or God forbids God, for God forgives. I don't. And I'm like, I'm not the one girly pop.
[01:09:33] Speaker B: Exactly. I forgive, but I don't forget.
[01:09:35] Speaker A: So amen.
[01:09:37] Speaker B: And that's 100% realizing I am worth more than what you have done to me. And so I will never forget this.
[01:09:46] Speaker A: Well, thank you for coming on today.
[01:09:48] Speaker B: Yes.
[01:09:49] Speaker A: At the end of every episode, I have a final question I like to ask a guest.
And that final question is a two part. You get to decide which one or you can do both. There's no rules these days. What is the best advice you were ever given? Or what's a piece of advice you would give to your younger self? Oh, don't act like you don't have an answer since you're trying to cut out of your.
[01:10:10] Speaker B: Well, I have a quote, but okay.
The one thing I've always held true to myself is that if I ever had the opportunity to speak to my younger self, I would.
I would stand them up and tell them everything's going to be okay.
[01:10:30] Speaker A: That's it for this week's episode of the Tea with Bree. Be sure to follow the podcast on Instagram hea with Bri. Send me an email at theteawithbreemail.com or visit the website thetwithbreepodcast.com youm can find me your host, Brianna Jenkins on Instagram at Brianna Jenkins. Don't forget to rate, review and follow on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. A special thanks to Mama Duke for our theme music and I will catch you next time. Bye.
