Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hey, before we hop into this week's episode, I wanted to give a trigger warning and remind you to just check the show notes because we may be discussing sensitive topics.
If this episode's too heavy for you, we'll catch you next time. But if it's okay and you want to tune in, I look forward to sharing the space with you.
[00:00:27] Speaker B: I just need space to grow? I'm just trying to make it right? These people won't let me go? I'm just trying to live my life? I just need space to grow? I'm just trying to make it right? These people won't let me go? Let me grow, let me go, let me grow, let me go? They should know, they should know they should know, they should know? I just try to live my life? I just need space to grow? I'm just trying to make it right? You won't let me go.
[00:01:13] Speaker A: Welcome to the Tea with Bri. I'm your host, Bri. Thanks for listening. The T3 podcast is focused on deep, honest and vulnerable conversation. Each week I sit down with a different guest in order to have those conversations. Every week, we start with my guest bio, an intro to how we know each other, and then we'll go into a deep dive conversation about whatever topic they brought to me that week. This week, I'm rejoined by one of my favorite guests, Hallie Hunt. Because we can't stop talking about grief and sadness in life.
So we're going to start with obviously Herbia, and then we're just going to jump in people, because we'll. We'll circle there when we get there. Okay. Hallie, who uses she her pronouns, currently works in operations support for an app that democratizes the concept of traditional staffing and has done so for the last two years. She is also a lover of writing, gardening, the outdoors, craft, beer, board games, and Dungeons and Dragons. Hello again, friend.
[00:02:06] Speaker C: Hello, ma'am.
[00:02:08] Speaker A: Welcome back. For the third time.
[00:02:10] Speaker C: The third time. Because apparently we just cannot yap enough.
[00:02:15] Speaker A: Professional yappers who talk about grief. What else is there?
[00:02:19] Speaker C: Exactly. Exactly.
[00:02:21] Speaker A: And I also find it funny because you and I had a phone call earlier this week. We were like, we should just say this for Saturday. But we felt the need to talk about grief and then texted about grief.
[00:02:30] Speaker C: Yes, exactly.
[00:02:31] Speaker A: Just our brand.
[00:02:32] Speaker C: I feel like. Yeah, I just feel like this is what we like, you know, what we do.
[00:02:39] Speaker A: A lot of people don't talk about it enough. Like, a friend of mine was just texting because he needed one of my influencer codes for something, and he was like, he was saying something like he had been up till 3am and I was like, what's going on? He's like, I'm just, like, grieving the loss of my cat. He goes. And I feel like a lot of people have a lot of stuff going on. And so I was like, no, no, you're allowed to grieve your things. He's like, I know. I just feel guilty because there's so many other things happening. I was like, there's room for everybody's grief, which is.
I feel like, what you and I always talk about, there's just. We don't give enough space to people who grieve. And I just think we need to.
[00:03:15] Speaker C: We sure don't. And that is. Oh, my God. Like, my heart for him. Like a baby.
Yeah. Fully. Fully. And it's one of those things, too, where I think also when you find somebody who.
When you encounter people in your life who allow you to really have an honest, like, open thing, and they're not, like, you and I are not trying to fix each other or fix our grief or fix how we view our grief, we're more giving a voice to it and also giving a voice to other people who might listen to this and not realize how much they needed to hear this as well, you know?
[00:04:01] Speaker A: And, like, specifically today, we're recording on February 1st, which is the anniversary of my mom's passing and my oldest nephew's birthday, which is always a mind F for me. He's 16 today, and today is 19 years since she passed. And so I just think about that grief of, like, my baby is getting older and holding space of, like, it's been 19 years since my mom passed, which I had a dream about her last night, which was so funny. Like, it was just so fascinating. I'm.
I'm currently going through some personal stuff which you and I talked about on the phone the other day. Potential romance. And in this dream, so random. She and I were driving to Heb, which my mom only went to Texas, like, once, and I was a child. So this is like, the dream of, like, what now would be like, it was very current. Like, me and her in the car, currently driving to Heb. And I was just like. And I, like, came out to her, and she's like, honey, I've known. I love you. Like, it was like this very beautiful, like, heartfelt dream. And then, like, in the dream, she just, like, disappears, and I start to have, like, a panic attack because I'm like, where are the car keys? Because she drove. And it Was just, like, this really interesting way of, like, your subconscious and, like, your awareness, working yourself out in your dream, which I tend to have an interesting time with, but woke up today and, like, wrote a poem. And I was like, not about her, about this person I'm quasi romantic with.
Because life, love, the duality of happiness and sadness and it being truly this same side. Different sides of the same coin.
[00:05:42] Speaker C: Yeah, exactly. Grief is. Yeah, there's that grief as a teacher thing again, always that I said last time. And I'll say it to everybody at any point in their life. Grief will be such a teacher if you allow it. It will teach you so much about who you. Who you really are.
[00:06:04] Speaker A: And I think about that now, like, with this person I'm semi romantically involved with, because we've been having a lot of conversations, obviously, and they've been like, you've just been so patient and so gracious and so all the nice words, while also, like, challenging me. I was like, I think it's because I've gone through so much stuff, like. And I was saying them like, I'm having a lot of anticipatory grief because I feel like I'm just further along in my journey than you are. And so, like, we're trying to meet other work each other's at, but I'm also like, I want to make sure that I'm not setting myself up for failure.
And so it's been like this conversation of, like, there's a part of me that is so joyous and so, so excited. And then also part of me that's, like, already in the back of my brain grieving.
[00:06:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:06:49] Speaker A: Because at any moment, you could be like, I just. It's too much. Which I said to them, like, if at any moment this gets to be too much, you are welcome to be like, I can't. And I'm like, great. Like. Because grief has told. Taught me life is too short. Even though life is long. Life is too short to be unhappy, to be unsure.
And so I'm just like, I just. If you are.
If you ever feel unsure or you don't want to continue, that's also, like, a boundary I support. So grief the teacher.
[00:07:16] Speaker C: Yeah, grief the teacher. Well, she's a tough one.
[00:07:22] Speaker A: She's mean.
[00:07:24] Speaker C: She's so mean. She can be real, real, real mean. Sometimes she just comes with. Comes at in the strangest ways and in the strangest conversations or just anything, you know, like, I.
I was taking care of some stuff for some legal stuff I've got coming up in relation to my mom.
And as I was going through all of that, it is literally reliving this. Just all these things and all these feelings that come up and, like, all of this anger and. But at the same time, this incredible sadness and, you know, kind of. Kind of making. Making it so that, like, I'm getting everything I need out and available to share for what needs to happen, but also just, like, you know, I think I was looking at it, and the way that everything was kind of worded was it was very, like, like, well, what are you gonna get out of this? And, like, what. What? What, What? Like, what is your. What have your. The way it kind of looks is like, they want to know, like, how this has impacted me, like, and put, like, a dollar sign on it.
But there's not a. I don't want money.
I want my mom.
[00:08:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:59] Speaker C: Like, and that's the reality. And. And I even told the lawyer that I was like, I don't. I don't want anything. I just want my mom. Like, that's not what this is about. So I probably can't talk anymore about this, but.
[00:09:15] Speaker A: No, no, you're fine. I. But I. Yeah, it's. It's the.
And I. And I'd say that, like, there's a. I'm a true crime girly, as we all know.
[00:09:23] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:09:24] Speaker A: Which I've been, like, toying with the dream recently. Like, do I go back to school and become a lawyer? Because I want to do, like, My gosh, what is it called when you, like, are wrongfully convicted? I want to do that sort of law, like, and help people who are, like, in jail for no reason. And I think about this because there was a case. I was listening. There was a. Now I was watching Netflix, obviously. Worst Worst ex ever. It was, like, the spin off of Worst Roommate ever. And this woman who, like, was dealing with the police and, like, got arrested for something she did not do, but she was in jail for almost for over a year. And, like, she's a single mom. All this stuff happened, and she ended up getting millions of dollars from this police station in New York somewhere. And she says at the end of the episode of, like, no amount of money is going to get me back that time, but I just wanted them to be held accountable for what they did to me. And so that's what makes me think of it in this moment. Like, I just want you to never forget what you have done. And I think people just think, like, oh, they'll just pay it and be done. I'm like, no, no, like, that's where it hurts. Like, the pocket is where it hurts. Because I think people lose their sense of humanity when money is attached.
[00:10:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:10:35] Speaker A: I'm like, good for you for holding them accountable.
[00:10:37] Speaker C: Yeah. And that's really what. What this is about, you know, for me. And. And I think for a lot of us, you know, like, it's. And it. And it's not necessarily like a closure thing too. And that's another thing I don't ever feel really comfortable with is the concept of closure. Maybe that's a weird thing to say. I don't know, but.
[00:10:58] Speaker A: But, like, it's where you're at. That's valid.
[00:11:01] Speaker C: Yeah. But, like, I was. I was talking to my brother about some stuff, and then he had mentioned closure. We were. We were discussing something, and he. And he got closure about something, and I was kind of like, you got closure? I was like. And then I tried to really wrap my head around the fact that I don't really understand how closure feels. Maybe because I don't. I've never experienced it. Or maybe because. Maybe because when they say feels like it sounds like it should be like a completion or like a full circle kind of moment. And I don't follow that. Or I don't feel.
I don't feel that. And I've never felt that. Do you know what I mean? Like, in any. Any loss I've ever experienced, I've never felt like I've gotten closure. Like, I've never. Like, things have never come full circle. You know what I mean?
Like, interesting. Does that. I mean, it.
[00:12:03] Speaker A: It makes sense. I think as a person who. And I think I've mentioned it to you and on this show before, like, I have no relationship with my actual father. And you're. Once again, he's trying. He's trying air quotes. And I'm like, done. And specifically, what I think about now, like, I've moved back home to Connecticut. I think about, like, getting married and having kids, and I don't think he will be a part of that part of my life. I just don't trust him. Like, there's a boundary that I've had to set. But then I think about that, that closure I've given myself. I'm like, no, the boundary is you are done. Like, you are out of my life. You don't make me feel like you're not a safe person for me. And then I also think about, like, when I've broken up with exes of, like, the closure I set is like, I'm a no contact, girly. Like, no E. I don't have your email, your phone number. We're not friends of social media. I've probably blocked you on everything. And it's not because. Not to be rude or callous. It's just because I want. I have to. I feel like I've always had to be the adult in the room. And so I'm like, I am going to set this boundary because I don't want to keep going back and forth. And so that's the closure I allow myself. And then also, like, that whole thing of, like, I accept the apologies I was never given, like, from shitty friends or from terrible bosses or all these things. And, like, granting myself that closure so I don't spiral. Like, you know, you are worthy of an apology. You were owed an apology, and you just have to give it to yourself. And that. So I hear what you're saying of, like, if you have never experienced closure, of course you're like, what is that? Like, what does that mean? Because I have had friends who are like, how do you just, like, walk away? And I'm like, it's survival. Like, that has been the way I've been able to continue life, but it doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy. I've just learned how to. How to move forward from it.
[00:13:46] Speaker C: See? And I guess. I guess maybe, maybe because that's definitely not how I've been thinking of closure. And the way you kind of frame it, that absolutely makes sense. And now I get it. I get it. I do understand that feeling.
But for whatever reason, it just always felt.
I mean, and I feel like, especially with, like, certain kinds of loss, like, you can't.
I can't just kind of, like, close the chapter and be done with it. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's like, there's certain aspects of grief that I can't just close that chapter and be done with it. There's certain things I can. I can come to terms with and come to a point where I'm at peace.
And I guess in that way, and. And with the way you're explaining and putting that boundary on, like, I'm going no contact with these people that have been a part of my life but are now, no longer, like, part of my future.
I'm putting.
Putting that boundary to me. It doesn't. I don't know if it feels necessarily like you're, like, you're walking away, like, and you're. You're forgetting about them because you're still dealing with the grief of of those severances. You know what I mean? You're not saying, okay, well, I'm just never going to think about you again. Like, you know, you're still dealing with that, but you found a place where you're at peace with it, and you're at peace with the choice of the finality of it. And I think that's something. In that way, I am. I guess I've always been at peace with that. That's not ever been an issue for me. I don't think, like, especially in terms of loss. I mean, relationships, friendships, things of that nature. Yeah, absolutely. Those things are always hard to accept when it's done. You know, when someone makes the hard decision to say, I'm done talking or we're done, you know, or when you decide, like, I can't really move forward with you as a friend anymore. Like, I can't really move forward in this relationship anymore. Like, making that choice is.
But I feel like once you arrive at the choice, something in new changes. Like that. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:16:03] Speaker A: And, like, what you're saying, too, like, whole. You're saying, like, whole. What I heard was, like, holding space but not inviting them in. Because, like, I still think about exes. I still think about my dad. I still think about, like, the people I've lost, But it's like, with the people who are still alive and who could contact me, I'm like, no, I'm holding. Holding space for you, are respecting myself. Like, I send you all the good vibes and good energy, but I just can't let you in because it wouldn't serve me. Like, it does not. It would not be healthy for me. And as a recovering people person, people pleaser, I've been like, I feel like I was conditioned for so long to just, like, be agreeable, make yourself smaller, agree. Like, just all these things. I'm like, no. Like, that's not healthy for anybody.
[00:16:46] Speaker C: No.
[00:16:47] Speaker A: And so I'm like, yeah. So I hold space. Like, I have one particular ex I think about who ever so often would still message. And he ran into one of my best friends months ago, and she told me that they ran into each other. And she's like, I didn't want to talk, but he talked to me.
[00:17:02] Speaker C: Oh, no.
[00:17:04] Speaker A: And also apple, we have beef, and I'll bring it up every time I talk about this. You can block someone on your cell phone, but if you have a Mac, they'll still allow the text to come through.
So make sure you block them both your texts on your phone and your Laptop.
[00:17:19] Speaker C: I'm sorry, I'm kind of mad.
[00:17:23] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. So this is why, like it'll always show. Like it's able to send anyway. Just a little bit of. They might have fixed it, but as of like three months ago, they hadn't because I have. He's been blocked on my phone for like a year. And the other day he sent me. Well, that's a lie. The other day is a concept. Probably like two months ago he sent me a text. He's like, hey, what's the name of your friend? And I, I looked at the text and went in and blocked him on my phone, on my laptop. I was like, absolutely not. We are not playing this game. But yeah, like that sort of stuff. Like, I read this. I know you now know that I saw this and I'm not gonna answer because we.
I said to him when I was like, we're done. Like, you will never hear from me again. This has gone to a point where this is a toxic relationship. And while you were someone I deeply loved for a long time, I cannot do this to myself anymore.
And he said some not so nice words back. And so we have not spoken. And. Because I blocked him. But I told him that I blocked him. And it's like I've done that a lot lately. Like with people having since moved back, like there was a couple of people on my roster, if you will. I was like, hey, like, this is no longer serving me. We don't need to speak anymore. You're not blocked, but you could be. So count your blessings. Cuz it could happen at any moment. And like one of them like lost it. I was like, you've lost privileges. Like there's no reason for us to ever talk again. But it's like that thing too. Like I can grieve what could have been. And I'm just. But also on the other side, I'm like, I, I have this whole full life still left ahead. And also, God forbid it could be done tomorrow.
[00:18:56] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:56] Speaker A: So like, I don't, I don't try to waste time on anything that's not going to make me happy. And not saying that life was perfect, obviously.
[00:19:05] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: But like with the intention of having gone through such deep life altering moments and losses in my life, I am just like, I cannot waste this one.
[00:19:19] Speaker C: Yeah. And I think that's the thing that is, that is the, that is. The difference is, is you make a choice to move forward.
You make a choice not to wallow in it. And I think, and I think sometimes when I bring up grief or when I'm talking about how I'm feeling, I think for some people they're just like, oh, you're just so sad all the time. And I'm like, I'm not really sad all the time. If this is just something that is a very large part of my journey in my life. And it's not like I'm sitting here and going, oh, I'm just gonna mope around and be sad that my mom died. I'm. Or I'm sad that my dad died or you know, but it is a, it is, it has literally changed perspectives for me. It has, it has altered the course of my life. Like you just said, like, these things are not, these are not things that, and maybe in my day to day I look the same, I still have the same job, I still live in the same apartment, I still, still drive the same car. Like I still enjoy doing the same things, but there is a different intention around my life. After experiencing a loss, looks like your.
[00:20:33] Speaker A: Life may look the same, but you have changed for sure.
[00:20:37] Speaker C: And I don't think people, I don't think people really understand like, so that change is going to be a part of who I am from now on. I'm never gonna, you know, that's never going to go away. And I still find joy in things. I still find I've moved forward. Like you said, I'm making a conscious choice to do things that make me happy because life is too short. But I'm also not going to, you know, deny when those feelings happen. You know, when those hard moments come up, you know.
[00:21:11] Speaker A: Well, it's also too like, until you've gone through a life altering loss, I don't think you can get it or empathize for it.
But then like we've talked about many a times, like people don't give people space to grieve because it's hard for them to deal with. So like, like you're saying on the outside, like you look the same, you are at the same job, you're the same car, but you have changed. And so, you know, speaking for myself of like having as a person who's very like high functioning even when she has depression and then there's ones I'm just like, I am going to lay in my bed for four days straight and just not want to do anything. Like sometimes I just like stare at the ceiling and I like count the little like, like. And people like, what's wrong? Like, you're so, you're usually so happy. I'm like, oh, I'm just. I have depression. Like, I am sad and people don't know how to deal with that. I'm like, you can just sit with me. You don't have to talk. You could just watch a show. You could just tell me about a book you're reading. Like, I have space for other people's life and joy, even if I'm in one of my episodes. Right. Like, I think it's that. And. And that's why I try to help, like, remind people, like, not to conflate, like, grief in a depressive episode. But, like, it's kind of. It's. They're similar. I think they're like cousins.
[00:22:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:18] Speaker A: Like, grief is a thing that you can deal with for X amount of days or for the rest of your life. Right. Like, and it. And it does ebb and flow. Like, Grant. Yes. I miss my mom every day, but do I think about her every day? No. And that's just me being honest. Like, I have one of my best friends who's one of my tattoos on my ankle. Like, do I miss him deeply? Yes. Do I think about him every day? No. And I think that's what people think of, like, grief has to be this all consuming, all the time thing. And I'm like, no, you could just smell something and think of them or hear something and think of them, and that will send you back into grief. Right. And so I think it's. We just need to give more space, and I just wish we did. Like, people are going through shit. And I think that's one of the biggest things right now too, of, like, politically what's happening in the news. I mean, we're recording on February 1st, like, we just had the tragic plane crash outside of D.C. like, all those.
[00:23:09] Speaker C: People we lost last night in Philadelphia.
[00:23:12] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, yeah, the 45, 47, being a literal asshole, what he's doing to trans and queer folks.
[00:23:23] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:23] Speaker A: The, like, all the DEI measures, what it's going to do to the economy. Like, we're going to see the ripple effects of this. And so I think that's also a thing. Like, people are having anticipatory grief too. Like, they're starting to be like, what's going to happen? And for the people who did not vote for him, who saw this coming, we're all kind of like, the fuck were you watching from 2016 to 2020?
[00:23:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:42] Speaker A: And then for the people who voted for him, who I think thought that would be different, I'm like, again, if you are not a CIS gender heterosexual Non disabled white man in America. Yeah, you're probably, you probably should be concerned. Wealthy. Don't forget wealthy in America, then you probably should be worried. And so I think there's been a lot of people who are sort of like, oh, fuck, yeah.
[00:24:07] Speaker C: And I'm hoping. And I'm. And I mean, I mean, I will be. I will be honest. I have not seen much in regards to, like, family members saying anything. Like, family members who used to be very staunchly, like, supportive on the conservative side have been very, very, very quiet since November.
[00:24:33] Speaker A: I think they're realizing they shot themselves in the foot.
[00:24:35] Speaker C: They've been very quiet. And I don't know if that's because they actually really see. And I don't. And I'm. And I didn't ask anyone, I didn't ask my close family who they voted for, because I was like, I either know who you voted for or I'm gonna hope for the best. But I don't. I mean, at this point, it's, it's, it's, It's a moot point at this time. Like, you know, also, like, I'm not. I've been trying for years. Like, I've made my viewpoints known for years. You are all grown adults.
If you choose this, this is what you chose. Like, I can't, you know, I can only, I can only say it so many times.
You know, I can only say the things so many times or share my viewpoints in so many different ways, you know, and, and, and, and it's just been. It's really wild to me because I'm kind of like, looking at all this stuff happen, and all of the people that I've known who've been like, so, like, pro, Pro Trump this and pro Trump that. I'm like, he's gonna, like, what's gonna happen to the medication you take? Because he just.
He axed the prescription drug thing. Like, what's gonna happen to, you know, and whenever, whenever anybody is talking, and I'm so glad it's being blocked, the whole talk about birthright citizenship, because I don't think what people realize is this. If you try to block birthright citizen citizenship for one group, you're going to. It will be. If it's successful, it will be successfully blocked for all of us.
Like, the four. If we do that, we're essentially abolishing the 14th amendment. And that's terrifying.
[00:26:14] Speaker A: That's the fact that he's, like, trying. Like, he. Yeah, there was no checks and balances. And, like, it just came out of Tennessee, I think it was. It's like, if you don't agree with him, they will, like, vote you out.
Give it a go. It's 11:30 in the morning. I can't think of, like, what the real thing was, but it was essentially, like, in Tennessee, they're, like, trying to get folks out of their, I think, either their center or their house. And I'm like, this is a dictatorship. Like, you're just supposed to blindly agree with this person.
[00:26:40] Speaker C: No, that's not what we do. Yeah.
[00:26:42] Speaker A: So I, like. I know I'm, like, grieving that especially, like, as a person who was queer. And I don't know if I've said. If I've said it. Said it since I've come back on the podcast. Like, I have no intention of dating a man, like, a CIS hetero man for the next four years, because I just don't. There's a. There's a level of trust I know I no Longer have after 45 got elected, after seeing the numbers come back.
So I'm like, I'm good. Like, I. But I also know, like, as a queer person, that may mean, like, I can't get married. I can't have children. Like, it just. There's a ripple effect now that I think a lot of people don't talk about or acknowledge if you're not queer or, like, an ally of queer folks. So I'm like, this is gonna affect a lot of people. And, like, the immigration thing, too. Like, at one point, it was like, even if, like, you have a. What they call an anchor baby.
[00:27:26] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:27:27] Speaker A: Which I think is a terrible thing to call a child, but okay, that even then, like, they're like, doesn't matter. Like, they will kick you out of this country. And you already see, like, he was trying to send, like, a plane full of people back to Mexico last week, I think it was. And they're like, no.
[00:27:43] Speaker C: It'S something. It is absolutely, literally diabolical. We're only two weeks in. Like, what?
[00:27:49] Speaker A: Can you freaking believe that?
[00:27:51] Speaker C: We're only two weeks in. I feel like.
[00:27:53] Speaker A: I feel like it's been another four years. It's all right.
[00:27:57] Speaker C: Is it. Is it time? Can we have another election already?
[00:28:00] Speaker A: January was already the longest month. I was like, what was this? 700 days?
[00:28:06] Speaker C: It was. It was probably the longest January of my life. Like, every time people kept talking about it, I was like. And then.
And then I thought February was, like, super short. I'm like, oh, next week's February 10th, right? And I'm like, no, it's only the third. I was like, oh, God, no.
[00:28:22] Speaker A: Hey, next Saturday will be the 8th. Okay? We're flying. We're flying through February.
[00:28:26] Speaker C: I know. I'm like, what is happening? Like, what are we.
[00:28:29] Speaker A: Just get me to March. March is my birthday month. Please just get me tomorrow. Like, I'm just like, please get me to March.
[00:28:35] Speaker C: Yeah. I just kind of. I'm. I'm like. I just.
I don't know.
[00:28:40] Speaker A: I honestly, I'm just. I'm grieving the thought of losing all of my rights, especially as a black queer woman in America.
[00:28:47] Speaker C: Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
[00:28:49] Speaker A: Everybody be serious.
[00:28:50] Speaker C: Oh, my God. Yeah. And that is.
Yeah.
[00:28:54] Speaker A: A friend of mine, where we've been talking about where we wanted to do this. Like, not co. It was coaching, but it was, like, bringing people together who, like, didn't know what to do. And so she and I talked last night. I was like, I think this is, like, the time we remind people, like, the power is in your hands. Like, if your job no longer has DEI initiatives, you can do that work. So we're, like, trying to figure something out. But I told her, I was like, I. I'm only doing this if I'm paid because I feel like as a black queer woman, I did a lot of free work my whole life. So she's like, absolutely. I was like. And that's how I feel, like, right now. Like, people are like, what's going on? Like, what can we do? And I'm like, I love y'all, but go read a book. Buy it. Buy the book and read it. Because I was giving you information for free for years, and no one listened to me. And so good luck. Like, I am. I am. To the point in my life, I'm like, I'm trying to have a soft life. If I have to be under a dictatorship, I'm trying to have the easiest life possible.
Boycott the folks I need to boycott, which maybe is Targets at the top of the list, which, if anybody knows me, that is devastating to me. But Target, Home Goods, TJ Maxx, Walmart.
[00:29:54] Speaker C: Yeah, it's all hard.
[00:29:56] Speaker A: You guys, can you just. What? So I'm grieving a lot this week. I was like, I was living a very soft life under. And not it wasn't perfect, but under Kamala and Joe. And thinking about what life under Kamala could have looked like.
[00:30:11] Speaker C: Yeah, exactly.
[00:30:13] Speaker A: And also that would make. That could make me cry right now. Like, oh, it could have been. What could have been?
[00:30:18] Speaker C: Yeah. I mean, and.
And then on top of that, like, I mean, you said it. You said it beautifully and perfectly. Like, yeah, you shouldn't be doing any more of this for free.
[00:30:30] Speaker A: You should know my podcast is the only thing you people get for free. Because I haven't learned. I've refused to sign up for Patreon.
Other than that, no, this would be behind a paywall as well.
[00:30:40] Speaker C: That's valid, and that is 1,000% valid. And I don't think people give. Give people enough money to share the things that they share. I follow on socials, like, I follow a lot of really amazing black queer women who have taught me a lot of things and they have, like, taught me to fucking journal and go buy. Like, you said, go buy a book. Like, so I go buy books. Like, I don't.
I don't. You know what I mean? I go buy books. I go.
I listen to. I listen to other podcasts. I will do that. Like, that's what I will do in order to figure out my own journey through. Well, of this. Because, like, you know.
[00:31:28] Speaker A: Yeah, I've been really enjoying lately. Like, I got off Tick Tock after all that happened. Excuse me. Because I'm like, he's the one who wanted to get rid of Tick Tock in the first place. You're not going to brainwash me. Like, I pay attention.
[00:31:41] Speaker C: I was so, like, he started this. I was so pro that CEO until he was like, thanks to person intro. I was like, get out. Just go.
[00:31:52] Speaker A: Like, it's like, first, first we have for you, we had meta, which the fact that I'm even still on Instagram, shocking because that means I worked on my last night for years, but I'm like, Tick Tock at two. Tick Tock.
[00:32:05] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:05] Speaker A: But yeah, since getting off that, I've been back on the Instagram reels looking at different creators. And a lot I will. Which I don't. I've had. I'm gonna say this and then it's gonna burn me. There's been a lot of like, white women create content creators who, like, aren't influencers. Who, like, are literally like, they're not there for aesthetics. They're just like, to educate. And one of them recently I was looking at, I have to go back and find it. But she was talking about DEI initiatives and she was like, this is directly also connected to affirmative action. When white women thought that, like, affirmative action was created for white women specifically. And then it also benefited people of color. But now because people of color benefit and white women don't want it anymore and they're like, this was for you, like, what are you talking? Like, so it's all. It's. It's just always that. And I think about it, like, as a black woman, like, the amount of work we do, because it's never. We never just think about us, like, as black women. No, I was like, if it's gonna benefit us, it will benefit everybody. Like, that's just how the system works. If you're black, if you're a woman, if you're a woman of color, like, it will benefit you.
[00:33:06] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:33:06] Speaker A: And I think we've just also always just seen how, like, a good handful of white women will, like, bite their nose, but despite their face. Because, like, well. And I'm like, you're not the smartest tool in the shed. Like, this was not a smart choice.
[00:33:19] Speaker C: No.
[00:33:19] Speaker A: Because God forbid someone else had access to a thing, and because now you don't have access to a thing.
[00:33:24] Speaker C: Yeah. And then. And then it's one of those things, too, is it's kind of like, do you realize all of us in the country are one accident, one illness away from a disabling event? You may not be disabled right now, but you might become disabled at any point in your life. It takes just one accident, just one illness to put you. Covid was a huge disabling event for so many people. And you don't realize that DEI initiatives help disabled people. They're there for disabled people. They're there to allow people who have hearing or visual concerns or access issues. That's what they're there for. So that they are not.
Not able to work or not able to get into a university or whatever because of that issue. That's what d. Oh, my God. Anyways.
[00:34:14] Speaker A: Yeah. But also tell people, too, like, pregnancy is technically categorized as a disability.
[00:34:18] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:34:19] Speaker A: You get nine months of disability.
[00:34:21] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:34:22] Speaker A: It's like, be smart, everybody.
Yeah. I mean, I think Covid also told us, like, we are one health emergency from bankruptcy. Oh, like, medical bills.
[00:34:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:34:35] Speaker A: 100. I just got a text like, you owe us $400. I'm like, cool.
Can't wait to pay that for a thing that I probably didn't even need to do, but because my insurance didn't fully cover it. Great.
[00:34:46] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:34:46] Speaker A: Love that. For me. Love spending money at the Yang.
But, yeah, I don't know. I just feel like I just want us all to be aware. And I think. I think to bring it back to our conversation, I think this is, like, everybody's going to be grieving something this year. Oh, because of this. Because of this specifically. And, like, I There was a video the other day of Kamala and Doug in the grocery store.
[00:35:11] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:35:14] Speaker A: What are you supposed to do? Not go grocery shopping? But there was. Did you see the Fox News guy who was like, what man goes grocery shopping with his wife? And I was like, are you okay?
[00:35:22] Speaker C: Yeah. Are you good, dude? Like, are you good? Right?
[00:35:25] Speaker A: Like, just say you hate your wife. Like.
[00:35:27] Speaker C: Like, just say you don't. You don't respect or love your wife. Like, what?
[00:35:32] Speaker A: Or women in general, but specifically because. Yeah, like, the way that cracked me up of like. And what man goes grocery shopping with. I was like, do men not go grocery shopping?
[00:35:45] Speaker C: Like, literally every time I'm at heb, there is literally. There are multitude. Of course I heb. I go to the heb in Mueller. So of course I'm in an area where there's, like, the burbs.
Yeah, I'm. I'm. I'm with the. With the cool yuppies, but that. Also the cool yuppies who. At Saturday morning, at 7 in the morning, the dad is grocery shopping with the kids. Like, he's bringing the kids so mama can have this. Have a lion, you know? Oh, sorry. Like, you mean participate in your own freaking household, dude? Like, what.
How wild. As a man. Like, did you. How do you live when you. How did you live when you were single? Like, I've seen some scary things in men's homes, dating, and I'm the same way. I don't know if I will let a man anywhere near me in the next four years, to be perfectly honest.
And it's really sad because I absolutely have a crush on somebody right now. And I'm.
I'm like, why are you a man?
[00:36:51] Speaker A: Listen, my heart goes out to you deeply.
In the words of Wicked, I'm holding space for you because Cynthia Revo could not be me. I'm like, oh, no.
One of my best friends, Rebecca, she. And I've been cracking up about my situation, and she's like, thank God I can't date right now because she's engaged. She's like, thank God I'm getting married. She's like. She's like, if Colin left me tomorrow, I wouldn't know what to do. I was like, girl, we would just live in a house together at this point because.
[00:37:19] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah.
I have a friend back in El Paso, and I'm almost kind of. Kind of like, just. Should we just, like.
Like, just move in together? Like, both of us. We're the oldest in our group, in our friend group, and we're still, both of us are the only ones that are still single at this point and.
[00:37:37] Speaker A: Like, start a compound. Not a cult, a compound.
[00:37:42] Speaker C: Literally considering it. Honest to God, considering it. Like, you know.
[00:37:47] Speaker A: Well, I always joke with people. Like, one of the main reasons I moved back home was in case I get pregnant and have a baby, which I am nowhere near close to having right now, because, again, not sleeping with men. I haven't. For those who are concerned, I have not had sex in over a year and has been a great clarity of mine.
[00:38:02] Speaker C: Isn't it nice?
[00:38:04] Speaker A: It's so, like, people don't.
[00:38:06] Speaker C: I. I. Okay, we're talking about grief. Like, we. Like, we came on here with the anticipated. Like, with the idea that we would be talking about grief. But. But can I just say how absolutely freeing it is to not have sex for an extended period of time. I don't know how people get so.
[00:38:21] Speaker A: Like, it's a lot of my friends right now. Like, a lot of us.
[00:38:24] Speaker C: And I'm like, nah, girl, I'm good. Like, do you have any.
Absolutely good. I am not. Not having sex. Like, it's great.
[00:38:32] Speaker A: I'll have to talk about that. Well, I'll probably bring on some many friends because I have so many girlfriends who are just like, oh, I haven't had sex in, like, between, like, six months and, like, three years.
[00:38:40] Speaker C: And I'm like, yes, yes, it's a. It's a good feeling.
[00:38:45] Speaker A: But yes. So I moved back home because, like, on the off chance I get knocked up and have a baby, I want people to haunt that baby off my family. Because I'm like, if it was with a man, I'm like, I don't know if I trust you and your family enough to help me raise my baby.
[00:38:55] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:38:56] Speaker A: And this especially sorry to all my Texas friends. I could not raise a baby in Texas right now. Like, especially as a black woman. The. The maternal mortality rate in Texas.
[00:39:07] Speaker C: Oh, no.
[00:39:08] Speaker A: Couldn't take that risk.
[00:39:09] Speaker C: Well, when. The last time we did the podcast was the day that you got the job.
[00:39:16] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:39:16] Speaker C: Because I literally.
We were still connected, and you got on the phone and you.
[00:39:22] Speaker A: I remember it was a great September.
[00:39:26] Speaker C: It was a good time. I was very. I was.
[00:39:28] Speaker A: I'm so happy it was you. I was literally telling someone that story the other day.
[00:39:32] Speaker C: I was. I was really happy for you because I knew. Because I was like, it doesn't. It almost doesn't matter what happens, because I'm leaving because you need. You need to get out. Like, I fully support you leaving. I fully supported it. It Hurt me. It hurt my heart. But I was like, no, go, please, because I'm probably gonna follow at some point, but I'm not letting anybody touch me until then.
[00:40:00] Speaker A: Did you know it's illegal to get divorced in Texas if you're pregnant? Have we talked about this?
[00:40:05] Speaker C: What? No.
Oh, my God.
[00:40:08] Speaker A: If you are a woman and are pregnant and you and your husband are married and you want to divorce, you have to wait till after you give birth to get divorced.
[00:40:15] Speaker C: Wow.
My God.
[00:40:19] Speaker A: So look that up, people, in case your husband's a douche lord before you have a baby, because it is a thing.
[00:40:28] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:40:29] Speaker A: The things you learn when you're trying to be aware of your rights in Texas.
[00:40:35] Speaker C: Yeah, I'm glad that. I'm glad that I also have no intentions of getting married. That makes me feel better too.
[00:40:43] Speaker A: Yes. That was a. That's my next episode. My friend Sarah's episode. We talk about that she's married to her lovely husband and they have two kids. But she talks about, like, how she never planned on getting married and how even though she loves her husband, marriage isn't perfect. And I was like, thank you. Like, it's like, more people need to talk about this because I. Up until maybe like a year ago, maybe even two years ago, I was like, I have no intention of ever getting married. Like, I always want to be a mom, but marriage, I was like, for me, no, absolutely not.
It may. I don't know. Things are flowing in life right now, but I think. I think I could if it was to a queer person. You may marry a cis Hetero man. It's gonna take some conference. It's gonna take some convincing of me right now because I'm like, legally, sure. What would that do for me legally, sex wise? But other than that, I love you, you love me. We maybe have a kid together. Great.
[00:41:35] Speaker C: Yep.
[00:41:37] Speaker A: Because, I mean, marriage wasn't ever, like, really for the woman's sake, and I still don't think that it is.
[00:41:42] Speaker C: No. No.
[00:41:44] Speaker A: Well, I also have no intention of changing my last name, so.
[00:41:47] Speaker C: Oh, absolutely not. Like, what would you. Like? Like, what? In, like, have you seen all the statistics about how.
How marriage is? Like, who the happiest person to marriage is obviously always a man?
[00:42:02] Speaker A: Mm.
[00:42:03] Speaker C: Like, And. And I was also. And we can even woof. Talk about grief. Like, circling back to it when a spouse loses. Like, when they lose their spouses, women recover better from that loss than men do because women have community. Women create community and move forward faster than a lot of men do. Like, in most cases, Men.
Men either. I mean, they either remarry very, very quickly and don't really process their grief, or they die soon after.
Like, they don't really ever recover. Like, they. They die more of a broken heart because they put this emotional load. Like, and that's another thing about grief, too, is, my God, find your community. And I think that's what I found with you is, like, we're able to talk about this because. And it's a good thing. It's a healthy outlet, because I'm not putting it all on my, you know, my best friend or my brother. You know, I'm not putting it all on my mom's friends who are processing losing my mom in their own way. You know, you and I can have a discussion, and I can be selfish in this discussion, and I can tell you all the things I'm feeling, and it's a safe space for me to do that. You know what I mean? Like, it's safe for me to tell you, like, how I feel and how this is making me feel. And we need to be able to give each other. Like, we need each other. Like, we need community. Like, even if. Even if it transcends, like, borders, like, we need each other to survive.
[00:43:43] Speaker A: And, like, you're talking about, like, the loneliness epidemic of men. Like, we saw this so much in the.
[00:43:48] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:43:49] Speaker A: Like, I look at, like, one of my best friends, Caitlin. Her husband Johnny and I have gotten very close, and we actually took a road trip together last winter from Texas to upstate New York because he wanted to drive. The dog couldn't fly, so we had to drive the dog.
[00:44:04] Speaker C: Oh, gosh.
[00:44:05] Speaker A: So Johnny and I were in the car for, like, two or three days, and we had been friends, but I think after that, like, we just developed, like, sibling. Like, we're just very close. And then his dad passed this year and this past year, and so we were able to, like, have conversations. And I'm like. And, like, Caitlyn had lost her dad a couple years back. He lost their. That. So I think they just had, like, this connection even deeper now. But, like, for us to talk about, like, the loss of a parent, especially now that they're, like, they're married with a smaller. Their child was about to be two, so there's a lot processing.
And so I think about that because, like, Johnny is probably one of the only men I know who has deep, deep friendships with his male friends in a way that I've never seen before. Like, I see so many men who are like, well, that's Joe and I know that Joe sad. Well, why? I don't know. I didn't ask Joe. And Johnny's like, no, like, what happened? Like. And I want to say that Johnny was raised with two older sisters. And I was like, maybe it's the feelings of having older sisters, but he's just, like, very tuned in. And, like, what is happening? Like, he was a teacher. Like, there's. I could talk about Donnie for days, but, like, the work that he has done, I think on his own and just seeing, like, the extension he gives to his friends and how, like, I see that, and then I see other of my male friends who just, like, don't go deep with their. Their male friends. And that's why the lonely. Loneliness epidemic is so staunch. And I'm like, just talk to your friends like they're your friends for a reason. Like, they have space to hold it. And like you were just saying, you can find friends who have gone through similar things, and that way you don't. It doesn't feel like dumping. That's why I went to therapy, because I was like, I don't want to jump on my friends. I feel like they think I all have it together. So I needed a therapist. And then she taught me, like, you're. But your friends have space for you. That's why your friends, the same space you give to them, they have free. I was like, that's true.
[00:45:44] Speaker C: Exactly. And I think it's the. And I think it's definitely something that, you know. Yeah, of course. And my. Of course my friends have space. And that's. And that's the thing, too, is, like, the people in your life absolutely have space for you. And I think, you know, you're. And you're. Absolutely. You hit the nail on the head. Like, there are a lot of men who don't feel like they can be emotionally vulnerable with other men, which is such a. Which is absolutely a patriarchal concept.
That is.
[00:46:16] Speaker A: None of us benefit from the patriarchy. That's why other.
[00:46:19] Speaker C: Other people, like, other. Yeah. What am I trying to say? Like, I'm, like, trying to figure out the words, but nobody is making you feel that way other than other men. You know, like. Like. Like I was watching a thing, and it was. It was this guy talking about the suicide rates and, you know, men doing this, and because of the pressure that men are under. And then. And a woman goes. And who built that system? Like, who put it together? My guy. Like, we didn't. Women didn't put it together. And if women did, it would be very different matriarchal societies are very, very, very different.
And we've seen, like, sons of indigenous cultures are matriarchal in nature and go on a very different trajectory. Like, things happen in a different way. You know, conflict resolution happens in a different way. But, you know, when the boys need to compare each other's dick sizes and bank accounts and land, like, you know, that's when they need to shoot each other and kill each other and, you know, destroy again.
[00:47:31] Speaker A: I want to bring it back to the life we could have lived if Kamala.
[00:47:34] Speaker C: Life we could have lived.
[00:47:36] Speaker A: I grieve that. I grieve the life we could have lived if she was our first female president.
[00:47:42] Speaker C: It would have been amazing.
[00:47:44] Speaker A: I'm like, it wouldn't. And I'm telling. It would not have been perfect. People still would have been pissed. Oh, you would be able to afford your health insurance and your health care and all the things that you had groceries. If one person goes, but the price of eggs, I go. Are now $20. Nothing. It did not. He did not do one promise. He promised you.
[00:48:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:48:00] Speaker A: And then he's a grifter.
[00:48:03] Speaker C: Yeah. They announced the tariffs. Yeah. Just wait. You. Avocado is going to be $15 starting tomorrow. You know, you want to know where we get avocados from, guys? We get them from Mexico.
[00:48:15] Speaker A: Mexico.
[00:48:17] Speaker C: We get it from South America. You think all corn is grown in the Midwest? No. Like, no. Sorry. Hate to break it to you guys.
[00:48:24] Speaker A: Like, everything's about to be so much more expensive, and I don't want anyone to say to me, yeah, no, no, you voted.
[00:48:31] Speaker C: Yep, Exactly.
You chose this. Like, absolutely.
[00:48:36] Speaker A: I would say, like, I think people think I'm joking. Like, Canada sounds great every day. Cold. Cold. Billion percent. But it's not America.
[00:48:45] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:48:46] Speaker A: Like, I will learn French if I have to. Yeah. Canada does speak English, though. So.
[00:48:51] Speaker C: Yes, some parts of Canada do speak, like, Quebecois, which is.
[00:48:55] Speaker A: That's fine. I'll figure it out.
[00:48:56] Speaker C: You can figure that out. Yeah.
[00:48:57] Speaker A: I'll get dueling. I already have duolingo. I will switch back to French. French is a little bit more harder than Spanish, though. I will say.
[00:49:04] Speaker C: It's weird. I feel. I feel like once you realize how close they are.
[00:49:09] Speaker A: They're very close. They are. But I'm like, let me take as many. Till I was like, four. So I'm like, oh, this is. I know this. And their friends were like, yeah, you.
[00:49:18] Speaker C: Just need to change your Rs.
Change your Rs.
[00:49:22] Speaker A: The pronunciations are fun, though. Any hoodo? Yeah. Well, Friend, as always. It's a joy.
[00:49:31] Speaker C: It is a joy. We've kind of.
[00:49:33] Speaker A: We.
[00:49:33] Speaker C: We went through some stuff. I'm surprised.
[00:49:37] Speaker A: It was grief. And then just friends talking about.
[00:49:41] Speaker C: We were like, okay, let's. But. But really, it. It does kind of circle back to all of that. Like, it really.
[00:49:47] Speaker A: Really. Everything's such an existential crisis because, yeah, we're really kind of politics, relationships, loss of a parent.
[00:49:55] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:49:56] Speaker A: Loneliness, grief, work.
[00:49:58] Speaker C: The reality that. The reality is you can grieve things more than death. Like, you can grieve more things than just, like, you're grieving. A. A life we could have had or a country we could have had. You're grieving. You have anticipatory grief. You grieve relationships. You grieve jobs. We. My job just had layoffs, and I was a wreck on Thursday because it was a terrible, terrible day that I had to say goodbye to people, to good people. And it completely changed the trajectory of what I think I'm capable of at my job. Like, it's a terrible time. Like, it's a hard. It's a hard time.
And grief is. Grief is the common theme in all of it, because grief is what is the catalyst of change. Like, you always will have grief anytime you experience change.
[00:50:51] Speaker A: So that's it. We're done. That's that. We're going to end with that. As you know, at the end of every episode, I ask a palate cleanser question.
[00:51:01] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:51:02] Speaker A: And the question is, what is the best advice you were ever given? Or what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self?
[00:51:13] Speaker C: Didn't actually think about this this time.
[00:51:16] Speaker A: You've been on three times. Okay. You know this question is coming.
[00:51:19] Speaker C: I know, but I feel like I have to give a new answer every time.
[00:51:22] Speaker A: Okay, that's fair.
[00:51:25] Speaker C: I think that that's the best advice I've ever been given, is to do it anyway.
Just do it anyway. So what if you suck at it? So what if you're.
So what if it's hard? So what if you're scared? Do it anyway.
Do it anyway. I think that's the best advice. So even if you're grieving, even if you're sad, do it anyways.
[00:51:57] Speaker A: Guys, that's it for this week's episode of the Tea with Bri. Be sure to follow the podcast on Instagram HEA with Bri. Send me an email at the tea with Bri gmail.com or visit the website thetwithbrewdcast.com youm can find me your host Brianna Jenkins on Instagram at Brianna Jenkins. Don't forget to rate, review and follow on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. A special thanks to Mama Duke for our theme music and I will catch you next time. Bye.
