Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Tea with Bre.
I'm trying to live my life I just need space to grow I'm just trying to make it right these people won't let me go I'm just trying to live my life I just need space to grow I'm just trying to make it right these people won't let me go Let me grow, let me go, let me grow, let me go they should know, they should know they should know, they should know I'm just trying to live my life I just need space to grow I'm just trying to make it right welcome to the Tea with Free. I'm your host, Free. Thanks for listening. The T3 podcast is focused on deep, honest and vulnerable conversation. Each week I sit down with a different guest in order to have those conversations.
Every week we'll start my guest's bio, an intro into how we know each other, and then we'll go into a deep dive conversation about whatever topic they brought to me that week.
This week I'm joined by my guest, Bri Vieira. Bri, who uses she they pronouns, is a content creator who uses their platform to raise awareness on a variety of different topics for mental health awareness, LGBTQIA advocacy, and the importance of taking care of your brain. She also shares her personal stories and experiences with depression, anxiety, PTSD and sobriety, as well as her coming out journey, all in hopes of helping others feel less alone. Online, Bri has built a community that she hopes is a safe space for others to feel seen, heard and able to walk away learning something new either about the world or themselves.
Hello, friend.
[00:01:54] Speaker B: Hi Bri 1 hi Bri 2.
[00:01:57] Speaker A: The official Bri United podcast has made its way.
I'm thrilled. I don't think you understand.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: Sweating.
[00:02:07] Speaker A: It's just me.
[00:02:10] Speaker B: It's just you for now.
This has been two years in the making.
[00:02:15] Speaker A: I know. We have been trying to coordinate for forever and we finally did it and.
[00:02:20] Speaker B: I think it's just so apropos how it has apropos.
[00:02:24] Speaker A: We'll tell the people about the. The funny timing of life and it's wild adventures.
But to start, you and I met on via like the online. It's like five years ago if you can believe that the social medias, the Instagrams.
It was five years ago. I think it was during the pandemic.
[00:02:42] Speaker B: It, it was. I know. It's so beautiful as I think back to it how our friendship has just blossomed into this.
[00:02:51] Speaker A: To be reunited.
[00:02:53] Speaker B: To being reunited.
[00:02:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: And I think it all started I just on a whim when you were doing your tour around New England.
You were like.
I was like, yeah, if you want to stay with me. And you were like, sure. We were like, we never met, but we never FaceTime. Sure, stay with me. And then the rest is history. But now just like bopped back and forth between each other's places. And then I came to Austin and then you did.
[00:03:20] Speaker A: We had the best time, but we.
[00:03:22] Speaker B: Also really created this like little group. There's like, because we're connected with similar people too that we met online in 2020. So I just think that is so cool.
[00:03:33] Speaker A: Well, when I came to visit you, I went to visit Tori first. So I stopped in Nashville and visit Tori and. And then I went and met my friend Kaia in Philly. And so I had met all of you during the pandemic and I was like, I'm gonna take a cross country road trip back to Connecticut. And so I was like, well, I'll just go visit my three online friends in the meantime. And it just.
[00:03:51] Speaker B: That's what I love about you, that I'm just a wild card. And you just never.
No, you're so action oriented and put so much effort into your relationships and relations. You don't let them just stay online. You, you're all about community, but you show that within how you show up also physically in spaces. So I admire that about you.
[00:04:15] Speaker A: A compliment at 11am on a Saturday. I'm emotionally unwell. But thank you, that is so kind.
But yeah, I laughing because this has truly taken two years. Because first we're going to talk about your sobriety journey because I was sober, curious, and I still am, but we're going to talk about that.
And then life got in the way. And then recently I went to visit you. Was it two weeks ago now? A week ago. It was last week. Holy. Time was wild. I was at your apartment last week. Last week it was this time.
That's what I'm saying. This time last week we were at the game like flat like last week.
[00:04:49] Speaker B: Oh my God.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: That was last night. Last.
[00:04:51] Speaker B: Wild, isn't it?
[00:04:52] Speaker A: I'm like, time is this week felt like years this week.
[00:04:58] Speaker B: Things are moving fast.
[00:04:59] Speaker A: Things are moving fast over in these parts. Um, yeah. So yeah, so now we're in August or officially in August. August 2nd, when we record and I am.
It is so kismet that we are again. Time is a wild, wild period, especially.
[00:05:21] Speaker B: With us and our experience last weekend. But we'll get to that.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: We'll get to that.
The topic though today is like talking about Letting go, which I feel like our friendship has just been like the healthiest, longest form of therapy. Like, every time we talk or I see you, we're just vibing about life and feelings and people and partners. Just making some choices in the.
[00:05:46] Speaker B: Romantic partners, non partners.
[00:05:50] Speaker A: Listen, you know, what is partnership? What is relationship? You know, it's okay to be a little in the gray area, just to be existing, you know, so. Yes. So letting go. So I. You want me to go with my backstory first. Would that be helpful to set the tone for the people?
I won't tell the whole thing because, you know, things are personal. Names have been changed to protest, protect the identity of folks.
No, I'm not gonna name a name. I am just gonna say I had the honor and privilege of falling in love with someone this last year.
We started hanging out last fall.
Started off as friends.
It blossomed. We fell in love rather quickly because queer.
She had her own stuff to work. If you've been to my Instagram, you saw the diatribe of a post I wrote. She went through her own. She's gone through her own journey. I was like, you gotta figure this out. So we didn't talk for a while and Brie and I, I wrote her a four page letter because we write letters, we write poems. Because, again, gay.
And so I was at dinner with Brie. So I visit Bri at least, like once a quarter. I'll go to New York and just take the schlep to where Brie lives.
And we're at dinner and we're talking about this person. And like, we hadn't talked in four months. And literally a couple of minutes later, I finished telling Bree the story and this person texts me and his response is like, you can't respond now. I was like, I know. I just. I'm overwhelmed. I'm shocked. We haven't talked in four months. I did not think this person would ever text me.
It's like It'd be like 10 years before this person ever reaches out. Yada, yada.
That person ended up coming and meeting me in New York. We went to a basketball game with Bri, had a great time. We got to, like, reconnect. The. Your face right now is so priceless.
We got to reconnect and the feelings were still there. And they're about to go through really big shifts. So we're really, truly just like, living in the moment. And I'm enjoying it. I know that, like, in a couple of weeks, things may change, and that's fine.
Not that we Won't still, like, love each other and have love for each other, but they are on their own journey, and I think loving someone is letting them go, which is how we got on this topic, because not your brain.
And that's, like, how we got on the subject of, like, I am. I've been therapized a lot in my life. I've been in therapy since I was 15.
And so this is the. I have never been in love like this before. I think, like, oh, my God, they're gonna listen to this. I'm gonna, like, crawl out of my skin.
Not to, like, scare the people. You look so loving. Scare the people. But I could, like, see a future with this person.
But, you know, not now. Not saying not ever. Just, like, not now.
Um, but I was talking to my therapist about them, and I was like, I fear, like, this will be the partner that I'm like, to all my future partners of, like, hi. This person ever calls, I have to, like, go see and, like, try it.
So, yeah, that. That's the summary as. As well as I can give it on this podcast episode. Bri, the floor is yours.
[00:09:22] Speaker B: Marvelous. You did a wonderful job of encapsulating that into a concise, a little summary story. I'm already.
[00:09:33] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:09:34] Speaker B: Fantasizing about the story. I'll go straight about this.
[00:09:39] Speaker A: Oh, that's true. We. I have. I've given you and Joseph, my other friend, the producing and writing rights. You guys can make this movie, make this film together. It'll be a Hallmark holiday special and gay lifetime, if you will.
Gay Bravo. May pick it up. Logo will come back own. You never know.
[00:09:58] Speaker B: So I love it.
[00:10:00] Speaker A: Yeah, thanks.
And you. I got to hang out with us. Like, you got to see, which I really love. Like, I love when my friends have gotten to hang out with the two of us together because they're. They're always just like. The two of you are just like.
Like, I know. There's just, like, a shorthand. There's a comfortability.
[00:10:16] Speaker B: Yeah, no, totally. It was so lovely to meet the elusive person.
[00:10:21] Speaker A: The elusive person. They exist. I was like, they're weird. They're real. I promise you.
[00:10:26] Speaker B: But no. Yeah. It was really beautiful to see how it all came together. And it was a very humbling learning experience for me to really see the power of needing. If you completely let the person go and release your expectations, how you're able to.
[00:10:49] Speaker A: Because I said to you when we were at dinner. I said to you at dinner, I was like, I may never talk to this person again. I love them. We love each other.
But I was like, they're on their own journey. I'm like. And I am, like, not stopping my life. I just am like, they need their space. I am also. I have a life to live.
So I truly was like, I have let them go. And I was like, my. That letter that I wrote was like my last Hail Mary of like, this is me letting you know I'm still here and interested and, like, want to have you in my life in some way, shape or form, in the future, whatever way you decide. And then they reached. They reached out in two days, and I was like, my brain short circuited. I was like, we have. It took me an hour to respond. You were like, you can't respond yet. I was like, I know. I'm so sorry. I know.
[00:11:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
Well, I think that there's a lot of details in that whole story that overlap that taught me a lot of lessons in the moment that I think we can talk about. But, yeah, because I think. I mean, should I go into.
[00:11:50] Speaker A: Yes, please. Okay, rip the bandaid. Let's go.
[00:11:54] Speaker B: So the. I feel like the long and the short of it is that about a year and a half ago, two years ago now, I was in a friendship that was in incredibly important to me. It was very close to this person and their family and their children.
And it ended in a way that was not mutual, a. A severance, if you will, in some people's words.
And it wasn't romantic, but it had all the intensity and rupture of a breakup for me.
And I don't want to go into details about that, but I think that the main takeaway is what it revealed in me.
And it was a devastating heartbreak for me, but not in this traditional sense, more in this reckoning of how far I had wandered from myself and waking up to how deeply I had abandoned myself in order to try to be chosen and, you know, went from having this person as a pillar in my life on the daily, like, talking all day, every day and connected over something that was deeply raw to me, which is both of our parents or our moms having Alzheimer's. And I didn't have anybody in my life who understood what it was like to go through that. And we had a lot of similarities that I felt, like, seen and. And heard and held emotionally for the first time. And when that. The capacity started being of this person's. Of what the.
The capacity this person had started to diminish. I didn't have enough awareness or self love to be able to or my own stabilization within myself to be able to start to detach a little bit and pull away. And instead it triggered a lot of my attachment wounds and I doubled down, which, you know, I have a lot of compassion for that version of myself who acted that in some ways that.
[00:14:26] Speaker A: Were.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: Not the healthiest. But in the end it ended up the whole unraveling of this relationship. I ended up hurting myself throughout all of it by trying to hold on.
And I think that I conflated emotional resonance with emotional reciprocity.
And that wasn't what was going on, was it was not a reciprocal relationship. And I think I've learned that friendships can ebb and flow. It's never a 50, 50 split. But I think what needs to occur on the other side as well is the other person has to be open to receiving love and support.
And what I've learned now is that if someone is not open to receiving that, you cannot force it on them. Because by trying to force it on them, I then had it tied up into my worth. And when that person was gone, I felt completely worthless. And that had to come from me, not from this other person.
And so, yeah, I think that, you know, what it awoke within me was I really needed to look at myself.
I haven't talked about it to people outside of my recovery groups, but I had relapsed on a different substance, not alcohol, but over this. And that was really a wake up call for me because I could not sit in the pain of this.
What felt like to me an abandonment or that's what it was triggering within me.
And instead of leaning on the tools and I had no support system at that time because I made this person the center of my world. I made them everything. And that intensity and lack of personal resourcing is I think what also contributed to things being too overwhelming on the other end. I mean, I think that also a big thing that I've learned is relationships take two.
And when both people have their own life situations happening and are not well resourced to handle those, and then they come together, there is no room for resolution or conversation and finding a path forward. And I think that's what was the most devastating to me is that it went from almost this slow, slow easing at phasing out into then this cut off with no communicate, with a false promise of communication and no communication after that. And that was really hard for me to respect those boundaries and to find closure within myself, which I feel like I haven't been able to find until I found snippets of it, but not really fully until now like a year and a half later. Which I think part of what I want to address too in this podcast episode is that to me, I think how I look at relationships, I look at.
I prioritize and hold my friendships to the same standard as I do romantic relationships. And I think that same finding the people who also prioritize it in that way is, is what where I have to put my energy more toward, which is I feel like with you say same like that is part of what has made our friendship so it has allowed it to blossom.
And yeah, I have more understanding of what I need. I spent.
I mean, yeah, I don't know how much we want to go go into certain stuff, but it was definitely like this reckoning with myself where I took the whole year to kind of step back from everything and reevaluate my life. Like I deactivated social media for a year, which was really great because I saw areas where I just had these behaviors that were like very attention seeking and seeking validation from other people. I mean I did a searching and fearless moral inventory of everything about my behavior and my side and my emotions. And I broke this down into pieces and how it was related to, you know, past dynamics with my parents, where were their areas that I was projecting where I wasn't fair.
I really looked at myself and my side of the street in order to take responsibility and accountability, even if it wasn't to at this point like have a conversation with the person, but also to be able to forgive myself for how I acted because I was very, very hard on myself about how this whole thing ended and put all of it on me.
And I think now stepping back, I just feel very sad for that version of me that was like completely abandoning myself to make someone else comfort comfortable and just to feel loved. And I saw so much how a lot of I was just like playing, playing out a lot of my childhood wounds and letting go of the whole thing. I think that has been one of the hardest things for me to understand is why I couldn't like what am I gaining by emotionally still holding on to this.
I think that there's something really interesting as someone who is an addict that can. I can hold on to feelings of pain as it almost then they have this like self soothing numbing effect where I can. And it's what I've understood it as is it's like this rumination over the pain and the situation and all of the facts because I'm trying to control it.
By finding a solution, because I want to fix it, because I'm a fixer.
And if I can fix it, then that means that I'm worthy. And then it wasn't. And everything is like, okay.
And I think the irony of this whole thing is I ended up sitting down with this person and. And really learned that.
I think as I sat across this person that.
And took responsibility for my part, that it wasn't. It wasn't about me, but there was still this core belief that I felt was like, no, I did something wrong, and if I just shift in shape and mold myself into exactly what this person wanted or needed, then I would be enough. But it was. They weren't seeking that from me. They were seeking it elsewhere.
And that's really hard to accept because in my head, there's this narrative that, oh, I wasn't enough.
And it's like, that person didn't want what your enoughness was. You are always enough.
But it just comes down to what the person on the other side is looking for. And anyway, just. I. I think just from all of this, I've held so much grief, but also found a lot of beauty in feeling the feelings. Like, I'm gonna get emotional just talking about it is because for so long, I didn't let myself just feel the pain of this. And how I miss this person, and I miss their family, and I miss all of the memories that we had. And I cherish their relationship and acknowledge that I don't know that there will ever be somebody who truly understands, at least for that point in time, like the grief that I was feeling around my mom in her early stages of Alzheimer's and losing pieces of her and unpacking my childhood and how she acted. And I just. I'm so grateful for that person for holding the space that they could at the time and being there for me and letting me in and that we. I. I think it's cherishing it for what it was and understanding that that is not going to be what it is like, going forward, and that's okay.
And I think the only thing that I can in this letting go is have hope that if it. If we are meant to cross.
Cross paths in the future, we will again. And. And maybe this person on the other side would be ready, because I think this is the part of the story where it kind of intersects you and I, and what I've learned from you is so like, yes, I ran into this person on the street and wanted to clear the air and. And sit down and have a conversation. And I do think that at the time my intention was to find closure. But in hindsight, I think after re. Engaging with this person and missing them and hearing all that they've gone through, I wanted to show up for them and wanted to be a support again and wanted to rekindle a healthier friendship.
And when it became clear that that was not available, the person was not available for that. On the other side, for some reasons that they expressed, but also any. For some things that I.
I've deduced on my own is that they weren't available for it. And so it felt like a rejection again.
And I think the biggest thing that I realized is that I need people in my life who can show up as deeply as I have for myself. And that person is just not available for that right now.
Because I think that.
Which, which makes sense with what is going on.
And I think that's where I had to let go and be like, well, what I'm wanting and needing and how I show up in relationships isn't wrong. And I found that too in the community by like showing up vulnerably, allowing myself to be seen in the mess in.
In recovery rooms and allowing people to help me and hold me when I felt like I wasn't worthy or I just wanted to hide away and build that trust and have people who show up for me and offer reciprocal relationship. It's same as you do as well for me.
And I've really transformed that pain. But I think what I learned is that that person was. Is not in the same place. Like our growth is going in different directions.
It's not like good or bad or anything like that. It's just different and not compatible right now.
And I think one of the biggest things I don't. I. I have mixed feelings around this phrase. If they wanted to, they would because I think sometimes it's.
Well, if they also had the. There's a lot of caveats and nuance to it. If they had the capacity, if they had the resources, if they all of this stuff, then they would. But I think the takeaway is that this person hadn't processed what had happened between us. They did not have the space and they completely compartmentalized it into some other area.
That's the information I have from like the last interaction that we've had. I don't know what's happened since, but anyway.
And so because of that repair can't happen.
The person has to want to look at themselves and do the work on themselves. And I have done that and so I was able to show up. And that is the sign, I think I've noticed now in relationships going forward is that where I have to let go.
I can't force someone to want to look at themselves. I can't force someone to do the work.
And they might be doing the work in other areas, but this specific.
There is no capacity right now for this one.
And I think that's also what is heartbreaking and sucks is because I'm like, well, was I not worth it? And again, it goes back into everything that we're saying is that it's not about your worth. Uh, so letting go of that has been such a learning process. But I think what I learned from you is that and what I saw kind of happen in real time. And it was affirming to the fact that if someone does the work, then they'll, if they really valued that relationship with you and, and, and see the value in their life currently, they'll come back. And that happened in real time when we were sitting together talking about all of this.
So whereas I was like, well, maybe if I just reach out one more time or like spark another memory from the past. And they're responding but not engaging in a way that shows that they're available for any type of like, long term connection.
And so what you did was you were like, here's what I have to offer.
This is where I'm at, you know, where I'm at in my growth. I'll be here for you. I love you and I see that you're not available for that. So I need to completely take my hands off of this.
And so you did what you had to for yourself, which was like no longer engaging on social media, no longer have like contact via phone, all of that stuff.
[00:29:03] Speaker A: No contact. We had no email, no phone, no social media, no mutual, like friends, really.
So yeah, it was. And I have been writing notes down and just like staring at you and trying not to cry because I'm like, I'm so protective of you. And I'm like, not break crying on the podcast recording.
But no, you're right. Like me and this person, we. And we had. And I always laugh because it was literally like four months to the day that we had stopped talking. And the last time we spoke was when I was in your apartment four months before in my day, crying and laughing in your bed, eating candy drunk at like 2 in the morning. I was like, breeze is never going to invite me back over because I'm an emotional wreck.
But no, like every Everything you just said. And I just kept writing down notes of, like, holding on was hurting you. And I think that's like, such a through line and, like, how I've learned to let go.
Because, like, you said, like, I love this person. They were not trying to cause me harm.
Not our intention was never to hurt each other, but because we were in different places in our lives in general.
We had tried to go no contact in, like, January because I was just like, this is.
I am hurting you, and you won't.
You're never gonna walk away. I'm like, I'm gonna have to make that decision for us. So it went like, a week of no talking.
And we're like, that's dumb. That's not gonna work.
And then we rolled back around in, like, March. It was right after. It was right after my birthday. And I was like, we're just, we're on a hamster wheel. We're going nowhere. I'm like, I think we just need to not be in each other's lives. I think it's too painful. Like, and I'm not saying this to hurt you. I'm not saying this to, like, guilt you. I'm like, it's truly, like, I love you and myself enough to let you go. And you need to go figure out and do this work. And like, they're in therapy. They're on their own journey. And I was like, great, like, when you are ready that the door is not shut. I just know, like, right now we're not going to move forward.
And so when you say, like, I saw that in real time. Like, I think so many. When I tell friends about, like, the ability to, like, let this person go, like, it was like, I was devastated every day. Like, I, Yeah, I was, like, going through the motions, like, moving forward. Like, I. And they know this. Like, I went on dates. I like, travel. Like, I did all these things. I was like, I can't. I couldn't be stuck. But I was also in there. I go to therapy every other week. So, like, I was talking about it and working through it, and for. I can hear you typing rude.
[00:31:32] Speaker B: And I'm writing a note to respond. Okay, get paper and pen.
[00:31:37] Speaker A: Like, me, a professional.
But so just, like, sitting and talking and sitting with friends, I'm like, God bless. My friends will get, like, the biggest fruit basket this year. Because you all have, like, held me so tenderly.
Because, like, I, I, I believe in, like, past lives. I believe, I believe in a lot of different things. Right? Like, I'm very woo, woo. Like, there's a lot of religious beliefs out there. Like, I'm like, what is. I'm trying. I'm only human. I'm trying to grasp them all.
But I will, like, tell people, like, oh, no. Like, I've known her before. Like, this was.
I. I have never felt more seen and felt and seen. Sorry, seen and held and supported and challenged. And like, very solid, but then also, like, very giddy and floaty. Like, it just like, I can't describe it. And it's like the re. And I never understood the marry your best friend thing. I was like, I'm. My best friends. Are my best friends what you're talking about? And until I met this person, like, it just, like, all clicked and worked. And so I think people will look at me like, well, how do you just walk away from that? And I was like, because I.
While we love each other, I also saw how much it was hurting this person. And I was like, we gotta just clip the wings. Like, this is going to go nowhere. And so, like, you're saying, like, you watched me truly let it go. And there was. And I've just been saying, like, my. My mantra has been, like, loving. Loving is letting go. Like, love isn't about ownership. Love isn't about they owe you anything. Love isn't about access. Like, it is a daily choice. And at any moment, that person can choose not to be with you.
And so it's like, not something I take for granted. But it wasn't until this person that I was like, I have never felt like I had to, like, grasp it. And I tell. I was telling them this the other day. I was like, whenever, whatever you decide. Oh, my God, I'm not gonna share this.
Yeah, I wrote them a letter.
The Hail Mary letter is what we're calling it. And I was like, I don't know if it's like 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 years from now, but whenever you're ready, would love to talk again. And so I told my therapist the week before, the two days before they text me, the day before they text me, I was like, I doubt they'll ever message me again. She was like, what was the point in the letter? I was like, I just wanted this person to know. And I was like, I fear that, like, I'll have to warn, like, every partner from now on, like, if this person ever comes back, like, I have to give it a try. Like, I have to know. And I was like, and it's not that I won't love my future partner if there are Any future partners. Not to be dramatic, but I'm also like, oh, so, yeah, I just. So when you and I were talking about letting go and all I can think about is like, the difference is that like, this person and I went out and did the work separately of our own, like, lanes.
I've watched you do the work the last year of therapy. Your group supports all that stuff. And so when you're telling me that you reconnected with the person in your life and you're like, they're still where I left them on that day when we talked and we're like, oh, they've just been in like, survival mode. They haven't even gotten to the relationship that you wouldn't. And interactions that you two were having.
And so I think like, watching your stuff and also living my stuff. And like, you were just saying, like, if they wanted to, they would, or if they have the capacity, they would.
But I'm also just always like, sometimes it has nothing to do.
[00:35:03] Speaker B: I know.
[00:35:03] Speaker A: And that's what we were saying at lunch that day. I was like, sometimes it just has nothing to do with you. But because we are human, we self center all the time.
And so it was that. Especially with, like, me and my situation of like, no, we love each other and still, like, I can't make them be ready. I can't make them do or be where I'm at.
And so, like, even though we're about to go through another shift, which some friends and family thinks I'm crazy that we even.
We went four months without talking and then we got. We hung out and it was like no time had passed. And then in a couple weeks, we're about to go through another, like, major shift in their life.
And like, why do that to you? Like, why reopen that? And I was like, I love this person. Like, there, there's. It is. That is the quick and simple of it. Of like, life is short.
Things happen. I was like, and I don't. I have never been a person who wants to live with regrets. I was like, and I won't regret this time with them. Like, we maybe have like, we had like 4ish, 3 to 4ish weeks before another big shift happens.
And I was like, But I. I'm like, I've also missed four months and we have now decided, like, we can't not be friends.
So we'll navigate that eventually as that moves forward.
But yeah, so when you're talking about all the things of like, of like, respect. Well, respect and reciprocation, those Are. That's it. That's it right there. Of like, it's. If you, if you cannot show up because of capacity, overwhelm, whatever, at least have the respect to tell me why or have a conversation with me as to why.
And I think you have done a really great job of like, you've always been open to the conversation of if I've harmed you, if I've done wrong to you, if I, you know, if anything, I did like, you take ownership and, and I really admire that about you, especially on your journey and all the things like you've told me about your life, like, you show up and you take ownership and you will always try and, and do what you can to rectify a situation.
So for me, I'm like always angry when people are mean to you and I want to like strangle them. Well, no, you don't do that.
[00:37:16] Speaker B: They weren't, I know they weren't mean, but I think that the thing they were me, the thing that you, that I think you captured too, that I recognize, which is why I don't hold any animosity, is because like, you're like, to be able to have the respect to have a conversation and, and like, to your point, they were in survival mode, so they didn't have that capacity. It is not their fault that they were not able to have that. I think that what I really value about you is that you show up with such a strong sense of self and self respect and have just shown me the importance of emotional regulation and that in relationships because you were able to look outside of yourself at the, when it came time to put an end to this relationship for yourself at that time and really see the other person and the hurt that it was doing to that person. Yes, you were able to. You were looking at yourself and it was also hurting you. But you, you held both of those truths at the same time and realized that you saw their hurt and their pain and was like, this is not sustainable for either of us and had the conversation and was able to close it. And that's the difference is that I was so stuck, stuck in this space of self and, and my need and my CPTSD response of I'm being abandoned right now, this is bringing up stuff for my parents, divorce and wanting to cling on that. I, I think if I could go back, I would take all of the signs that I was getting and recognize like, oh, this is not everything I'm doing and trying to force my love and support on you and also like selfishly trying to get something from you is not. This isn't working.
And, like, that's not also what you need right now. So I need to. I need to step back because it is hurting you. And I think, like, this person never said anything about me hurting them, but I. When I looked at my side of the street, I was unfair and I was. I was hurting them in a way.
Like, again, we're never cruel or unkind, but there's these insidious moments of behavior that I think are very natural as humans. But not until, like, when I step back and look at it, I was like, oh, that was not. That was harmful and that was unkind. And if I was resourced enough and regulated enough and had a higher level of self respect and self worth, then I would have been able to approach the ending with more love and grace and.
Yeah. And just stop hurting my own feelings and let it go.
I think that.
But I think that's what this whole thing was for me is like, this relationship was just a mirror.
And it really just showed me parts of myself that I didn't want to look at. Like, and. And I am so grateful for that.
Yeah. I mean, this person inspired a whole reckoning within myself, so they will always have a special place in my heart and in my memories.
Just as like so many other other people, other relationships do. I just. I don't think that I ever expected a lot of those. Those relationships were romantic. And this was the first time that it was a platonic relationship that had rocked me so hard and forced me to confront things, but it also allowed me to settle into New York and to find my independence and find my community and repair relationship, my relationship with my mom, which, like, that clock is ticking. And so I really made sure that I started to do the work around that and take the lessons that I learned from this and what I was projecting onto this person to work through that with my mom.
And our relationship's not perfect, of course.
Please, Karen.
But we understand each other a lot more. And I'm able to show up for my family in different ways. So there was just so much good that came out of it for. Whereas, like, at the time, for a long time afterwards, I could not see how there was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Yeah. And I think that part of me thinks about, well, what is my intention for talking about this and getting on a podcast and is it selfish? But I think that.
I don't think that friendship breakups and ruptures are talked about enough. It's always romantic. And I think also, especially friendships, at least for me, with other women, and when it's all intertwined with, like, situations that might make you closer automatically because of a shared experience, like a sick parent or, like, within recovery, those relationships accelerate at a much faster pace.
Like, how to.
How to have boundaries and emote, like, resource yourself to keep that relationship being sustainable. And they get deeper, faster. And then understanding, like, how to actually nourish that, I think is something that I've become more aware of. I mean, and I've also realized that a lot of these automatic habits I had of, like, trying to save people or becoming enmeshed immediately and codependency.
Those. Those were so ingrained in me. And it felt like, oh, this feels so normal, and this feels like home. And I'm like, yeah, because home was dysfunctional and unhealthy and traumatic.
That doesn't mean that it was a good thing that you should follow that pattern.
And so I feel like I. I went on a tangent there, but I just. I guess I feel like there needs to be more representation about how fulfilling deep friendships can be. But then also, the rupture of those things can be equally as upsetting and devastating as a romantic breakup. And for me, it was such an uncomfortable feeling to reconcile with because I was like, I feel like I'm going through a breakup, and I didn't. I have not dated anybody in three years.
[00:44:22] Speaker A: Now. So my friend Cody is a podcast episode. Like, I think, like, 10 or 13. Cody Eastman. Cody E. Is the. Is breed. Cody is the episode. And we talk about grieving friendships, and we talk about specifically this. Of how, like, I went through a really, really terrible friendship breakup in 2019.
And if I think about it, like, I'm right back there. Like, I don't talk to this person anymore. Like, we now are, like, cordial.
But at the time, they were one of my best friends. Like, could not love them more if they were my romantic partner. Right.
And so I, Like, I was actually. I had. I was dating someone at the time, and he was like, why are you so sad? And I was like, it's like someone died.
[00:45:06] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:45:06] Speaker A: Like, it was.
It was so not gonna cry on a Saturday morning. It was so.
It was so painful. It was. I could. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. And I was just, like.
I was devastated.
And it was like, not. Not looking back. Like, wasn't even, like, a good friendship, but I just loved that person so much.
[00:45:31] Speaker B: Now I'm going to get emotional because I feel like.
[00:45:37] Speaker A: But it Was just so painful. And I feel like no one gave me space to, like, be sad about it. And I was like, you guys didn't date. He's alive. Why are you so sad? You were only friends for. I'm like, I'm a big feeler, okay? I am a lover girl. I am a Pisces. Like, I am, like, an emotional wreck at all times.
But it was.
It wrecked me. It wrecked me in, like, ways people. It changed the way I look at friendship and grief. And I had. I always joke, like, I am like, the three brothers in, like, the Harry Potter series. We're not giving. We're separating the art from the artist. But in the Harry Potter series, when she.
When she talks about the three brothers of, like, he greeted death as a friend, that's how I feel about grief. Like, grief. And I have been in this game since I was, like, eight. Like, you know, and so I was. And I talked to so many people. Like, I'm just sad. And I'm allowed to be sad about this. I'm allowed to be. I'm allowed to mourn a friendship. I'm allowed to grieve a person who's still living. I am allowed to grieve the friendship I thought I would have forever. And, um. And so, like, I. And I, as a person who has always been perpetually single, like you said at the beginning, like, we. We hold our friendship so deeply, I think this is. And I don't even know this person. I had it, but, like, I've been calling them my partner for sake of, like, shorthanded conversation. This has to be, like, the healthiest, most, like, healed. And there's been shit. Like, it has not been perfect.
Um, but I think it's just, like, the level of respect we have for each other. And, you know, having spoken to you about, like, attachment styles, like, this is probably the first.
I'm usually an avoidant person because I have abandonment issues. And so I go the opposite way. Like, if you don't need me, I don't need you. Goodbye.
But this is. This is also the first one where I haven't been avoidant or anxious. Like, it has been very freeing of, like, we are choosing to be here.
And I do not own. Like I said before, I do not own you. You don't own me anything. But it's been just, like, this beautiful reciprocity in this process of. Of going from friends to people who are in love with each each other.
And so, like, I. It's. It's funny. Like, I obviously was Sad. And I grieved. But it was like, it was just so different because we were so respectful of each other. And there wasn't like, yes, we, like, stopped talking, but it was like, we are deciding this mutually.
They will say, I made the decision. I was like, well, there was no.
And that at that point, I didn't know what else to do. Like, I saw the. The pain I was inadvertently causing you. So as we talked about last time, like, I did, like, a science experiment. I am the stimulus that is causing the pain. I will remove myself in the hopes of causing less pain.
And it was different. Like, we talked about it, like, what happened in those four months. How we were both sick, sad.
And how they wanted to reach out, but I made them block me and delete my number.
Me. I know their number by heart. But I was like, I'm. I did this. Like, I knew if I called, they would answer.
And they're like, oh, I would have called and answered. So anyway. But I just think that we don't even still now. We don't give people enough space to grieve. And I just think about all the time. Like, all the things it just. In the last five years, we've gone through, like, as a community of, like, Trump getting reelected and the pandemic. And, you know, there's just so many things that are occurring that I'm like, no, everyone can cry and be sad and grief, a life that they thought they would have or access to a thing they thought they would have or a person they would end up with.
And my friend Haley and I. Haley and I talk about this, too. We were like, the grief professionals at this point of just like, no, you can grieve anything and anyone. And there's like, no. There's no cap on it, and there's, like, no length of time as to it. Like, and I think that's also the thing, too. People don't know how to deal with it, so they want you to rush through it and stop talking about it. And I'm like, what? Bring it to me. I. I love to cry. Like, send. Like, I will sit with you if you need to talk about it, if you just want to sit in it. Like, But I think that's also the thing, too. And, like, we were talking about the beginning. You let me just spiral, and I could tell you about it all the time and be like, yep, got it. And then you go, like, yep, got it. Like, it was just like, we have space. The. The breeze will have space to talk about grief in this Moment in a way that I think a lot of people still don't know how to just sit in it and be sad. Like, we'll probably hang up and I'll just go cry because I'm like, I'm also thinking, like, I hung out with them last night, but I probably won't see them for last. We thought last night be the last time we hung out. And I was like spiraling. They go, no, we'll hang out again, I promise. Like, I don't know.
But like the anticipatory grief too, which a lot of people don't talk about like it's going to occur.
But yeah, I just think we need to be giving people more space to be sad in a way that we don't right now. Because I think everyone's like, no, it's like actual things happening in the world, which billion percent.
But I'm also like, don't minimize your sadness and the things that you are going through.
[00:50:36] Speaker B: Amen to that. I think the biggest thing that I hear from what you're saying as well is space to sit in it with you and not have to solve it. I've often had that. This habit of wanting to.
To fix or give advice or give suggestions and say, you know, I. I do think, you know, in.
In certain spaces it's, well, what is the next right action?
And sometimes the next right action is to sit and do nothing and just feel the feeling. I think that's something I've learned over the past year and a half, is that there is a difference between feeling the actual feelings of grief, which pro allows you to progress in the healing process, versus sitting and ruminating and trying to control. And once again, I conflated both of those experiences being like, well, I'm processing it. If I'm going over the series of events over and over again and seeing how I could have acted differently versus maybe, oh, this person could have acted differently. And what can I do to manipulate the situation to get a certain outcome that is not the healing of it, and that is. It is the numbing of emotions still. What the healing part of it is. Oh, something has made me feel like I miss this person.
And I am feeling intense feelings of sadness and grief.
So instead of intellectualizing the whole thing and pathologizing the person on the end, other end, and myself, I have to sit with what that pain is and what does that pain remind me of? Oh, it reminds me of this other abandonment. It's like with every loss, I'm almost grieving the previous the all the losses that came before that, and it's having to. I think what I've realized is I need to sit with it in the moment when it comes up, instead of, like, circumnavigating around it through, thinking my way through, and I have to feel my way out of it. So I've, like, adopted this mantra for myself, is like, you can't think your way out of it. You have to feel your way through it.
And that has been really grounding for me. And I've noticed that when I've let myself cry, I'll, like, go into this huge, like, it'll all be built up, and then I'll burst out into tears. And it will last. I'm expecting it. I get scared because I'm like, I don't have time to spend two hours sitting here sobbing. And it will last, like, a minute or two. And I'm like, oh, you're fine. I'm like, you just needed to burst into tears and, like, cry like a baby in your bed. And then I'm like, oh, I don't. I don't have the desire to, like, sit here and cry for an hour, I think, because I.
I think back to the times when I'm trying to control it all, and I get stuck in that loop for, like, an hour, two hours, that I'm like, oh, no. If I start to cry, I'm going to be crying for one to two hours. Which that's also fine if you need that. But I realized once I have the release, it's never as long as I expect it to be.
And another part of my process, which I've so appreciated having these conversations with you about is like, this was the first time in my life that I was in so much pain that I, like, got down on my knees and prayed and cried.
And again, it's a higher power of my own believing, not in the whole, like, pious Catholic Church way, not a punishing God, but how I interpret spirituality.
And I think what that did was give me the permission to break down and let go and be in the feelings.
So, I mean, I would and have this relationship with something that's higher than myself, which is, like, this best version of myself that is loving and caring toward every being on this planet and doing it in a way that might be weird or not look pretty on the outside. But I live alone, so I'm like, who are you performing for? I would be in the.
My bathtub. No water, just on the floor, curled up in a ball, crying because I liked the coolness of and being in a contained space. And that was, was like where I connected with this higher power.
Sounds absurd, but I think talking to.
[00:55:17] Speaker A: Not at all, but talking to people.
[00:55:20] Speaker B: Who have many years of experience practicing spirituality with a higher power and hearing about your God and leaning into that gave me permission to do it for myself and have it look however it looks and defining it however it looks. It's not something that I do. Keep it very personal and private because I feel like there's a lot of opinions and judgment and I'm like, it's just my own private relationship with my inner world and that allows me to let things go. But I.
I guess maybe there can be. I mean, obviously in the queer community there is a lot of pain when it comes to speaking about religious things, but this is agnostic of religion.
And so I guess I just talk about it as a way to well be my authentic self. But I think put it out there for others that like do what you have to do for yourself in the moment. And who cares how it looks?
[00:56:26] Speaker A: It does not have to be perfect. Yeah. I again had this conversation last night because I grew up in a very religious family, like church every Sunday. Godfather is a pastor, like deeply religious family.
And I think me being queer and going on my own journey of self discovery of like looking at like Buddhism, Judaism, you know, I knowing that we had like medicine doctors in like Creole North Carolina, New Orleans when I was in my family. Like there's just so many different things. Doing like my own research into like the Salem witch trials. Just because I'm like, what were they believing in that they. Anyway, That's a whole different subject. Not gonna, not gonna go down there.
But you know, it's so funny when you, you interesting when you and I talk about religion and like share back and forth. Is it Sal King Solomon, the Instagram thing that we always say back and forth so good. And I never. And I just always like, this is like so on time. It's always like the perfect time. And I'm like, what is happening? Like I look up to this guy. I'm like, hello.
But it's funny because it's like even. And I was talking to this person about it last night of like there was a time I was so mad at like capital G, God, like what I was told my whole life.
And it was after my mom died and I was like, well, I can't believe in you. You. You let the one person in the world who knew me die.
Why would I still subscribe to this belief And I'm like. And I think there's still parts of me that's still upset. I think there's parts of me that are still navigating.
Like you said, as a queer person, I didn't go to church really grow like from the time I was 15 to the time I was like 22. And then like I jumped back in at 22 and went until I moved away until I was 26. And then I found a church in Austin that I really liked, Gateway, which I really liked but then had to leave for a different reason and had. There's a lot of queer people at that church though. And so for me in my like discovery and my belief of like Jesus's practicings and how I like view the Bible, like, well, Jesus to me is like a queer, non binary brown skinned person who would be with like the queers, the drag queens, the lepers, the people who were the sex workers, people who've been like cast aside. He would be the refugees. He would be protesting.
Sorry, they would be protesting.
And it's really helped me of like, I don't owe anyone my beliefs and I don't know if I'm keep this in but like me and this person have differing versions of our religious beliefs just because of the way they were raised religiously.
And like you said, like, I believe in like accepting, patient, understanding Jesus who has like a cool dad who like checks in God.
And then I did. I think it just really helped me as a queer person who will hear people like, we're going to hell because you're queer. I'm like, but if that's like, if you're telling me Jesus doesn't make mistakes and God doesn't make mistakes, like then. And then I go down that diatribe too, right? So I'm just like always just like there's no. You owe no one your religious experience. Experience you, oh, no one your explanations.
And it's funny for me, like whenever I'm having like a really anxious day or like a really a day like I just can't like, I don't know, get out of a mode. I'll just go listen to gospel music. And I don't know what it does to my little lizard brain that it works and it helps me. And I'm just always, I just always tell people especially, especially my queer friends. And you know, my friend Aiden is episode two and he is a trans man who's a pastor now and we talk about religion ag nauseum and I love it and we hate to have conversations.
So I just. I just always think about, you know, both politically nerdy me, religiously interested me, and, like, me who's showing up in this world of, like, there's no rules. We're all human on this. This is our. I also believe in, like, reincarnation. Like, this is our first time living this life, and you get to, like, be messy and figure it out. And I'm just like, just don't hurt anyone and don't, like, yuck, anybody's numb. If that. If that's like, if that's all it is, like, just worry about yourself. Great. Worry about yourself and worry about others in a way that it's like you care for each other. Otherwise I can care less what you do. So anyway, that was like a random tangent. I just had to like.
[01:00:53] Speaker B: No, I love that. I appreciate it because it helps me step into my spirituality more.
And yeah, I think something that stands out too is when you're like, saying, you know, just don't hurt anyone. It's like, I think that it's inevitable that we are going to hurt each other because we're not infallible. And it's like. But when. What it is is taking accountability and responsibility for when you realize you might have hurt someone. And that is the biggest thing that I've had to lean into in the past year, especially in my recovery and restarting my day count now, like a year and a half after my relapse.
And now, you know, not to get too much into, like, my program, but, like, have a relationship with a higher power, have made amends, have taken, like, done the inventory of taking accountability and responsibility and looking at myself. But it's all in the in vein of freeing myself and letting go. And I do feel lighter and I do notice that the work has paid off and I show up differently and I have more of a relationship with myself, which before I was avoiding having any type of relationship with myself and was just like, I'm gonna focus on these relationships with other people that are going to fill the hole.
But inevitably, nothing, nothing would.
That was my.
My final frontier of my facing my addiction after the substances was, well, let's look at how we use relationships as a numbing agent to facing our own life and emotions, which I think so many of us do. It's so hard. There's no rule book, Bree. You've got to write a book about how to live life, because you have got it. You have got it down.
[01:02:59] Speaker A: A book about what?
[01:03:00] Speaker B: About the rule book to life Breeze rulebook to Life.
[01:03:04] Speaker A: That is so sweet of you. I am truly still figuring it out. But I, I think, I think you know what I will say number two things, what you were just talking about. I just said this last night to the person I'm hanging out with of like I was. I had gone through like a whatever ending of a friendship relationship with this girl and took a solo road trip to Colorado and I saw a quote while driving and it's. It was this is in 2018.
And I was like, no matter where you go, there you are.
[01:03:37] Speaker B: Yep.
[01:03:39] Speaker A: And that can make me cry. And that.
I think that might be the book title actually a self help book because I have done so much work around myself. Like again I've been in therapy since I was 15, working through like an eating disorder, the loss of a parent, the.
My father and I have a very strained relationship. You know, I've had my heart broken many a time.
I moved away. Like I just was so I was running, I just was running.
And it wasn't until I just sat with myself which if I sit down and I'm honest with myself. I think the first time I sat with myself and just did the work was in 2020. I was living alone. It was the pandemic. I had just turned 30, I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go anywhere. So it was like during that time I did so much self inventory around who I am as a person and I did the work. One of the questions I asked myself was if everyone I knew disappeared tomorrow, who am I? So like who am I separate of all my relationships? Because I think so many people their identity is tied to like being a daughter, being a mother, being an aunt, being a coworker, being a friend. And I was like no, who am I? What do I like what are my boundaries? What are my non negotiables? What are the things that I am looking for? I wrote a list of like what I was looking for in a partner.
We won't get into the fact that this person crosses. When I say every item I. I wrote down every single one. Which is also why I'm like funny whoever's up there, higher power. Real funny. Because this was like in 2020 didn't which will circle back to like you and I could circle back like the perfect alignment of like I truly really was meant to meet this person when I met this person.
And then also like I did the work because I think at that time I was like really going. I was 30, I was still a youth, 35 now. I was like I think I want to still be a parent, but it might look different. I think I might be a single mom. I may be an adoptive mom. So I did a lot of work talking to single moms, folks raised by single moms, adoptive parents, people who had been adopted. Like, I just did so much like my own social research of just like facetiming people and like having phone calls with folks because we were all home. And I was like, this might be the time of like my own blossoming so that I've also read so many memoirs and self help books because like I'm just my other. The, the second book will be trying.
I am, I am in therapy, so I don't. So I do not hurt anyone in my process of healing because I'm always like, the reason I am in there. Thank you. I'm like, the reason I'm in therapy is because I don't want to hurt anyone while I am healing and doing that work. Right.
And so this person I've been seeing has been like you and you and I talked about like, I've been, she's like, you've been very gracious and very patient and very understanding and super empathetic.
And I was like, yeah, because you're human. Like, this is your first time here too. This is your first time experiencing this. I was like, I have gone through a similar experience, but it's still going to be different. Like I also did this at a way different time in life.
So.
[01:06:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[01:06:53] Speaker A: So yeah, you are not the first person to ask me to write a book. I'm just like, you guys, I gotta like sit down and do it. That's like, that's the hard part. I also don't like, know what questions.
[01:07:04] Speaker B: I actually.
[01:07:04] Speaker A: Sure, sure.
[01:07:05] Speaker B: Great segue is I think that. Yeah, the, the fact that you said that or that this person said to you. You've given me so much grace and space and empathy and all of that. And I think that that is something that I could have given more of in this dynamic and with other relationships as well.
And as I've gone through my own work in untangling being codependent people pleaser.
What is the, the line between giving grace and space and empathy to another person versus being codependent or people pleasing and almost like co signing behavior that isn't respectful to you and your own needs. But then you're the only one who can control how you're reacting to that. So like, I think it comes down to intentionality, but I'm curious about how you define that or you toe that line for yourself.
[01:08:16] Speaker A: It's a really good question, Preet.
I truly think it comes down to you have to know yourself first, and I don't. And, and, and I think, okay, I answer the question, then I'll go into a diatribe. I think it comes to, like, you cannot abandon yourself. You cannot give up yourself to fit into what this person needs. Like, you are not like grout or silly Putty or whatever. Like, you can't be molded and squashed down and like, make a thing fit. It's like trying to make the wrong puzzle piece go into a puzzle.
And so, yeah, I just, I think about the, the times and like, the work I've done again, as the perpetually single friend of, like, I learned very early because all my friends in high school, high school had boyfriends and girlfriends, and I was like, I'm good. Like, I'm gonna go do sports and student government and like, maybe do a mock trial and like, be a pretend baby lawyer.
I just, my. My worth was never tied to my partnerships. My worth was never tied to who I was connected to.
I had the honor and privilege of like, having a mother who was like, I want you to be so self sufficient.
Maybe my detriment now, but she's like, I want you to be self sufficient. Like, I want you to know, like, cook and clean and like, have your own money. Like, all these things. Like, I want you to be deeply independent so you don't have to depend on anyone specifically, like a partner or a spouse to like, help you get through life.
And so I think it was a lot of, like, I left home at 18, and so all I had was me from the time I was really like 16. My. My dad, like, emotionally checked out after my mom died.
And luckily, like, I had family, sure, but like, I had. I learned really quickly how to depend on myself. And I'm not saying, like, someone has to go through a trauma to do that, right?
But I'm just saying, like, we need to do that work and instill in like, the next generation or like, children in our lives of like, you are enough. You do not have to.
You don't have to change yourself or demand attention or, like, do all these things like, you are worthy in how you show up. Now.
I think that comes a lot too, from like, my ed work of like, I was always like, I need to be smaller. I need to be smaller. I'm like, where does that come from? And like, sitting with that too, of like, you've met me. I'm Loud. I'm a big personality. I love a person. I love a stranger. Like, and so for me, like, it's always so interesting when people, like, find out that, like, I thought so low of myself. We had this conversation last night of, like, it took me up until maybe, like, last year, year before. I was like, oh, no one's ever interested in me. And, like, I've had partners, I've dated people, but I'm always like, well, they're just, like, settling, which you've met me now. I'm very confident.
But, like, back then, I was just very much like, I will take whatever I can get.
I don't think anyone's ever really attracted to me. I think, like, all these different, like, things and stories that you tell yourself because of childhood trauma, of abandonment, of, like, having a parent who checked out or having a parent who was just, like, emotionally, like, manipulative and abusive and just, like, checked out.
So there's just, like. I just say there's, like, a lot of work, and it's like, one. I think everyone should be in therapy if you can afford it. I know it's a luxury. It shouldn't be. We should be able to go to therapy. But if you can afford it, you should go. Even if it's, like, once a month. Just I. I do what I call, like, maintenance therapy now. I'm just, like, checking with my therapist to make sure I'm, like, not losing it.
But I think it is truly an investment to work on yourself. But it is the best thing I have ever done. And I think because I have such a sense of myself, it allows me the ability and privilege to show it for others. And also, like, I'm like, you guys, I'm just doing my best again, first time in this life, in this experience.
But I think it's also too of, like, I just listen and I am okay not having the answer. I am okay being wrong. I am okay taking ownership. I will say if. And again, last night I apologized for something, and they were like, you don't need to apologize. I was like, no. But I need you to know that I understand. I harmed you. And even though it wasn't an intentional hurt, I still did it. And I need to just let you know.
I was like, it was never my intention to hurt you. But again, intention and impact are two different things, right? And so I think it's just, like, being able to always take ownership and you don't have to have an excuse. You don't have to, like, that you hurt me. And, like, well, I'm like, nope, that's not an apology. You. Yes, I hurt you. I am so sorry that I did that. I will do better if you have the space. Can you tell me more of, like, what or what I could have done? If you have, like, the emotional labor to do so. But also, I've been in therapy a long time, so just, like, a lot of ownership here in being able to name that. I'm just, like, again, always doing my best and trying to move forward.
[01:13:22] Speaker B: I just love you so much. I feel like it's such a primitive.
[01:13:25] Speaker A: I love you so much conversation and.
[01:13:28] Speaker B: Be in your presence. And it's. You definitely are a role model to me and someone that I aspire to.
[01:13:38] Speaker A: That makes me feel very old, but thank you.
[01:13:42] Speaker B: Role models can be your peers.
No, this is a testament to all of the work that you've done. And I think that, you know, surrounding myself, it's important for me to surround myself with people who have also done the work and who are also, you know, confident in who they are, because it's a mirror that's then reflected back into me. And I learn from you constantly just seeing how you show up in the world, how you navigate relationships, hearing you talk about all of this, like, I'm taking it in and metabolizing it so that I can have the same qualities. And so I feel like.
Yeah, you do.
[01:14:28] Speaker A: You're doing the work. I know.
[01:14:30] Speaker B: I know I am.
[01:14:30] Speaker A: Here's the babies.
[01:14:32] Speaker B: I just feel like it means a lot to have you in my corner and, like, holding my hand along the way on this path.
[01:14:42] Speaker A: Every day, my love. So every day forever.
I am. I am honored. I'm honored to walk with you. And it has been a joy to watch your growth and the way you even just, like, in the last, like, five years, the way you sit and process more. I. I have watched you stop avoiding.
I've watched you really avoiding things. Yes.
Never. Oh, my gosh.
Never you.
But, yeah, it has been so wildly beautiful. And, like, also, just, like, to watch your independence grow from moving from Boston to New York, and you're like, oh, no, I'm gonna do it. I was like, okay, you got it. Like, I haven't. I have faith in you. You got this. But I think that, too, like, you just have navigated so much in the last, what, three years now in New York. Yeah.
[01:15:33] Speaker B: And I'll get.
[01:15:34] Speaker A: Oh, my God. Yeah.
[01:15:34] Speaker B: End of the month, it'll be three years.
Yeah.
What a beautiful life.
I do. I love it.
[01:15:41] Speaker A: You're doing great now if anyone in the Austin area, I mean, in the New York area, is single, so is Bri. And so if you want them, if.
[01:15:49] Speaker B: You want to hit me up, My number is 555.
[01:15:52] Speaker A: If you want to. If you want to hit Bri up, their number is, well, 333.
[01:15:58] Speaker B: Slide into those DMS.
[01:16:01] Speaker A: They're open, they're ready. But, hey, it could take three to five business days, but eventually, you know, it hit. Hit my lineup.
[01:16:12] Speaker B: You'll bet it. You'll vet the people for.
[01:16:14] Speaker A: I will vet you for Bri.
No, I just. I'm excited to see what this. These next, like, this next year will look like for you specifically. I don't know why this next year, like, feels really interesting, ominous. Let's. Let's get through this year. Let's get through 20, 25, because I know.
[01:16:35] Speaker B: I know.
I don't want to rush summer.
[01:16:39] Speaker A: I'm not. Oh, you know, I'm a fall girl. I can't wait. I'm counting down.
It was 64 and cloudy yesterday morning.
I came up on sweatsuit. I put on a sweatsuit yesterday.
[01:16:58] Speaker B: Order ready.
[01:17:00] Speaker A: You know it. I was like, summer, you've been so kind to me. Had a great time. We had a great little vibe all summer.
[01:17:06] Speaker B: Wrap it up.
[01:17:08] Speaker A: If we could just please pack it up. We are now moving into the 70 degree days. So love a rainy fall cyber. And I'll delete this. We were listening. We were talking with my family and that person. This person, my person was over, and we're just hot. I know. Disgusting. We're talking about, like, me moving because obviously, you know, it's my M.O.
and everyone's like, we're actually surprised. It's, like, been, like, eight months and you haven't, like, talked about it. I was, like, almost thinking about it, like, let's. Let's be serious. I was like, no. I kind of feel like, okay right now. And then my sister and my person were like, oh, she's going to New York. And I. I was like, you must be talking to my friend.
[01:17:51] Speaker B: We're waiting.
Come to us.
[01:17:53] Speaker A: I know you and, like, the whole. The whole Brooklyn crew. And then you. All of Brooklyn, Yumi, and sweet little Jersey City. I was like, you guys, I feel like it's not time. I know. We will be here with open arms.
[01:18:05] Speaker B: When it is your time.
[01:18:09] Speaker A: I know. Listen, we all know I would live on the west side somewhere. Like maybe Harlem.
Harlem.
Maybe near you. You know, I love Hell's Kitchen. You've, like, sold me.
[01:18:19] Speaker B: Oh, you mean you as the queen of Hell's Kitchen.
[01:18:22] Speaker A: Listen, not me. Making friends.
I love them. Misty Mountain, if you're listening to this, you're my favorite drag queen in New York City.
[01:18:32] Speaker B: Oh, yes.
[01:18:34] Speaker A: I love her. Please me. Now, listen. Not an ad, but freaking listen. I won a competition. There's a difference. I'm not a professional drag queen. Although I would be like a dream.
I love a drag queen. It is like peak me. I love a drag brunch. Please listen. New York. I used to be so scared of New York.
[01:18:57] Speaker B: I know you've come leaps and bounds.
[01:19:00] Speaker A: I've come so far. Look at me. I got to your house almost completely by myself without using City Mapper last time.
I knew how to do it.
I'm basically a New Yorker.
Oh, I got it.
[01:19:12] Speaker B: Got it.
[01:19:13] Speaker A: I have a. I have a fable. Favorite bagel place by your house.
[01:19:16] Speaker B: Salt, pepper, ketchup.
[01:19:17] Speaker A: Oh, no, it's a bagel sandwich. You know, get a little toasted, plain bagel, toasted olive, cream cheese. Not an ad. But also if there's a pickle bagel in New York City.
[01:19:30] Speaker B: Pick a bagel.
[01:19:32] Speaker A: Pick a bagel. I love you so much. You got it. That's a lot of cream cheese on a bagel. But it's fine. I spread it out. Brian. I split it last time I was there. But it's all right.
[01:19:42] Speaker B: I know it's around that is detrimental.
[01:19:44] Speaker A: To my well being because I love them. And every time I come to your house, I have to. I have to simply go get one. It's like a necessity. And I get the same thing. Plain bagel, toasted olive, cream cheese. Don't. I don't need to know anything else. And they're like, toast it up, let's roll. What are we doing?
Any hoodle? So, yeah, maybe you'll. We'll see. We'll see. We got. We have. I'll talk to you offline. We got some things to consider.
We have some. We have some. Some things. Anyway, thank you for coming on. As you know, I'll link all the things in the show notes, but at the end of every episode, I like to ask a sort of last palate cleanser question.
And the question is it's a. Two parts. You got to pick one. What is the best advice you've ever been given? Or what's a piece of advice you'd give your younger self?
[01:20:37] Speaker B: I think that the second I would do piece of advice I would give my younger self.
I feel like it is so cliche and or like trite, but it's just you are enough.
But to actually understand and feel what that is and authentically be who you are and let the rest go and invest in the people who are investing in you. Oh, I spent so much time chasing people who just weren't available for whatever reason that really had nothing to do with. With me.
And yeah, just stop getting in your own way.
I would say. RuPaul, ain't nobody gonna love you. How could anybody? What? I'm gonna butcher the whole thing. What is it?
[01:21:32] Speaker A: How the hell you gonna love somebody?
[01:21:35] Speaker B: Here we go. This is. We're gonna start from the top.
[01:21:38] Speaker A: Okay.
[01:21:39] Speaker B: If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
That's the advice I would give.
[01:21:47] Speaker A: That's it for this week's episode of the Tea with Bre. Be sure to follow the podcast on Instagram at the Tea with Bri. Send me an email at the tea with Bri gmail.com or visit the website thetwithbrodcast.com youm can find me your host, Brianna Jenkins on Instagram at Brianna Jenkins. Don't forget to rate, review and follow on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. A special thanks to Mama Juke for our theme music and I will catch you next time. Bye.
